The following is part of Lilu’s TMI Thursdays. Visit Live it Love it for more.
I remember the first time we picked up the lube at the sex shop. It amused me to see such a “hardcore” image on the packaging itself. And that typeface! In heavy sans serif calling my name as if to say “FUCK ME IN THE ASS WITH HELVETICA!” Penthouse Black Label Heavy Duty Anal Lube. It was sexy indeed. A designer who’s trained to appreciate beauty can’t help but buy the lube with imagery. Imagine…
You, me and Helvetica. We got a date. Place your fingers in the container and then your fingers on my ass and play. Play that punky emocore Blood Brothers shit that makes me feel 7 years younger and in art school. I know it’s no longer my usual fare, but babe, this isn’t my usual night. Remembering the night I was hopping up and down covered in sweat and pushing bodies against me in a musical orgy of sound. Remembering the night they opened for Glassjaw. Or the night the cute boy who loved Poison the Well found out I loved Poison the Well. Back when the same music taste meant you were perfect together, instead of things that really matter like lifestyles and values. He asked me out and I said no because I’m an idiot. I can only imagine what would have happened if I said yes, in his white, Anglo-Saxon, privileged counter-culturalism that made me think he’d fuck on the first date. I’ll stroke your cock with heavy duty anal lube. Make sure you’re ready to ravage my Asian ass. Make me scream higher than that blood curdling Blood Brothers as you place your big cock in me bareback and ride. Ride, baby, ride.
I’m giving away my Heavy Duty Anal Lube to a random commenter because I simply have no use for it any longer.
1) I am currently at a Zen monastery living a monastic and ascetic life. (Yes, I am aware I am a woman of paradox.)
2) I am single.
3) Obviously, with one and two combined, I am celibate (one year, five months and still going strong).
4) I don’t want to use the lube on a future partner because it’s tainted with bad ex karma.
5) I understand the value of impermanence and do not want to hold on to it any longer.
6) I am willing to give the rest away to a worthy person. There is still a lot left!!
If anyone wants FREE Floreta approved anal lube, comment now!! Comment as much as you’d like. Tweet this. Whatever. Each tweet or comment gives you another entry. What, you don’t want used lube? Try me. ^_~
UPDATE: Happy April fools. Hope you enjoyed my humor.
I had head lice once, in grade school. You know, when people normally get it like how kids normally get chicken pox. I remember we went through a whole school inspection, with those special fine combs, and it was official. I had lice. When you’re a kid, it’s not quite so bad because you have an excuse. You’re a kid, and you have no care in the world. Lice may be gross, but so are boogers, and you eat them. Mom did all the things you’re supposed to do. Wash all my sheets and bedding. Pillowcases. Clothing. Being a kid didn’t make me immune to the embarrassment and shame, but it wasn’t so bad.
Twenty some years later I am back in the Philippines. It was my first or second week here when I was hanging out with my cousin, aged 8, and suckered into staying the night with her to sleep in their room instead of the guest room that was set up for me in the other house next door. It’s not so bad. They have air conditioner, and the guest room does not. Just a small fan that does nothing because every morning I still wake up covered in sweat. It is so hot here, and I am not used to this heat…
My cousin, and her mom all sleep in the same bed. It was big enough for one more person, but suffice it to say, it was a bit of a snug sleeping experience with my 8 year old cousin in the middle.
You can see where this story is going. I didn’t know it then until a week later. But both my cousins have lice, and so do practically all my kid cousins. Yeah. There’s a bit of a lice problem in the Philippines. They joked that I am a real Pinay (Filipina) now that I have lice. Apparently, lots of the females get it. Look who’s proud to be Pinay now? I mean. It’s embarrassing. I’m not too happy that I have a lice problem. My aunt sat combing through my hair and dozens of these tiny bugs came crawling onto the white shirt she had laid over her lap. The big mother lice were black, and fat with my blood. The babies are still white or beige in color and not so big. It’s strange to think a whole city of parasites live on my head. I mean, no wonder I’ve been so itchy. But I’ve been in denial.
I finally broke that denial the other night when I was itching playing with my hair and found a beige colored bug on my finger. Horrified, I Google image searched “lice” to confirm that was the bug I was staring at right in front of me. The next morning, in quiet, dejected shame, I told them.
Ng kikitan ko sa koto ang akong buhok. I probably butchered that, and I had to ask them what past tense of “to find” was. But basically “I found lice in my hair.” Lice. Koto. What. The. Hell?
I wondered if lice could survive in things like beards and pubic hair. I wondered if, after scratching my head, and masturbating, I might have acquired lice down there. Then I tried to remember if it felt itchy down there and I haven’t noticed it. Disgusting. Denial. Good thing I shave, right?
Living amongst the people in different cultures has its ups and downs. For me, living in a third world country meant catching lice for a second time. Hey, it’s all part of the travel charm. You gotta roll with the punches. And sometimes that means getting infectious diseases, or getting deported, or having to renew your passport because you know you want to stay longer than a year (and by you, I mean me), or who knows what.
This is how I roll.
I am leaving in less than six days for the Zen monastery. While the experience is not monastic training, and shaving our heads is not required, I had asked if I could choose to do it anyway. I’ve been wanting to shave my head since I was 19 and all punk rock anti-establishment. I was too chicken then. And my head shape is flat. So much for rejecting status-quo, in my green colored pixie short hair and spikes that made me look kind of like a dyke. But I mean, I’m bisexual so I guess that means I’m half-dyke. I don’t care.
I can’t think of a better time to shave my head than when I have a lice problemand I am going to live monastically for four months of total seclusion at a monastery where monks really do shave their head and I won’t be around the public. That’s perfect, right? They told me it’s inappropriate for girls to shave their head but I saw a girl monk with her head shaved so I call bull shit. In any event, I’m going to try to convince them to shave my head because of my lice problem, OR I’m going to have my aunt who owns a hair salon do it the day before I leave for the monastery. Once I make up my mind on something, I don’t let go.
That’s why I’m here now, in the Philippines, and that’s why I’m finally going to shave my head.
This post is part of Lilu’s awesomely bad TMI Thursdays. Click her link for more good stories.
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So in the Philippines, there is a delicacy called balut that is a fertilized duck egg with embryo. That is to say: baby duck fetus. Say it with me one more time, boys and girls!
BABY DUCK FETUS!
Like, zOMG!!!1
How the heck do you EAT that thing!? I show you how in three easy steps! Look below for answers! Keep in mind that everyone was watching me as I made this video (and by everyone I mean my tito, tita (uncle, aunt) neighbor boy, cousins and a girl that works with my family), and it was a little embarrassing but what can I say, I have no shame! And I’m a good sport. Now, who wants to hire me for the Amazing Race? Which may or may not have anything to do with this video, because I’m unfamiliar with the format of the show (I don’t watch much TV, ok? Even in America.) and have no idea if they eat gross things as part of their challenges but I know it has to do with foreign cultures, and that’s kind of cool, and terrifying.
Third time’s the charm, right!? *bats eyelashes*
Or, I’m just charming?
So, what was my secret in swallowing this thing? Most people would probably try to think of their favorite food and how yummy it is to get past the mental block. Nope. Not me. I think of the grossest thing possible. Something I enjoy swallowing that I have on rare occasion (balut IS a delicacy after all!). I think of swallowing cum. Male semen. Cum in my mouth. Swallow!
Lets look at the similarities shall we?
Both are excellent sources of protein. Who needs a protein shake when you have _________? [Fill in the blank with BALUT or CUM]
Both have interesting textures. Just get OVER it!
Both are swallowed, and not chewed. Technically, you can chew balut, but I swallow!
The appreciation for both cum and balut is very subjective. Both are an acquired taste!
There’s a whole technique for eating it. I’ve likely made up my own technique but… That’s what she said!
Both are gross, but satisfying! Seriously. I love me some cum in my mouth. Oops, did I type that out loud? At least I know I’m not a lesbian. I love cock too much.
For the record, my family does not eat balut. So the fact that I did, and on more than one occasion, really tickled them! All the weird faces I was making as I stared into the poor bird’s face and made gross faces at the clearly distinct skeletal vertebrae… lets just say they were laughing in front of my face and NOT behind my back!
In all seriousness, I DID think of cum to get past the mental road block. I think it’s the only way I could have swallowed that shit. It’s the grossest thing I could think of; but I LOVE it!
I wonder what boys would think if I chased their stuff with Coke? That’s what I want to know!
