Sometimes, life feels like you’re just getting by. Like poverty is a choice, and quitting isn’t an option. I have so many “ideas”–goals–that I’m running towards in so many different directions that I feel like I’m essentially running in circles and going nowhere. I’m flailing. Waving my hands in every which way and just trying to keep afloat. To keep my wits about me, I have to remind myself that I’m too stubborn for quitting. Too tough. Too passionate.
My Bucket List
What goals have I made for myself that I’m not accomplishing? Late last year, before I took my one-way flight to India and beyond, I made a bucket list. It was a reasonable proposal to 2010 and the adventures I’d hope to have. It was a reachable extension to the rest of my life and the things I hoped to accomplish before I die. Mostly adventurous things, like hiking to Macchu Picchu and trekking the Himalayas, but some implications of love and lifelong partnership; wherein I wrote that I’d like a Buddhist wedding ceremony, not because I’m Buddhist, but because it sounded cool.
I’m already achieving my bucket list. Scratch off “stop eating meat longterm”. Check. I’m a vegetarian now. Scratch off “join a Zen Buddhist monastery and practice meditation”. Check. For four long, and yet short months. Scratch off “learn Filipino martial arts”. I already bought my ticket to Palawan, where I’ll be joining a local skillfully trained in the arts and willing to teach me as we walk the island together.
It still absolutely amazes me, and floors me to know that the bucket list is already manifesting itself, and in the most unexpected ways! These experiences I find myself having are completely unplanned but come in the form of opportunity that life has somehow offered me, and I choose to take. As cheesy as it sounds, it’s almost as if, when setting the right intentions, the Universe will answer. Sometimes, it will say no, and you don’t get what you want, but other times, and lately in my life, it will say yes. Hell Yes.
This is the closest “proof” to “God” that I’ve ever experienced, and I intend to continue experiencing it as I prepare for my spiritual island walk journey; my own road to Zen.
Hell Yes
As far as all those other far reaching goals? Become location independent with my own business? I’m working on it… Trek the Himalayas and Macchu Picchu? That could happen if I win the trip to UK, by being in the top six fundraisers for Your Big Year charities. I’m currently in 4th place, if I researched and did the math correctly. I just need to keep it up until October 10th. I’m placing that amazing “opportunity” in the hands of everyone who chooses to donate (ahem, there is a donation widget bar at right), and in the hands of me, for how well I can promote my charity drive and think up ways to gain more funds (hello Etsy!).
I want the Universe to say Hell Yes. I want the opportunity to show up and then step up to the challenge. I want to be granted this amazing stepping stone in UK, so that me, myself, and I can do my personal best to win the grand prize round the world trip which will allow me to scratch off Macchu Picchu and Himalayas on my bucket list. Hell Yes.
Can you see this passion flowing through my veins? I’m too tough to quit. Too stubborn to throw my goals out the window and fail. I’m set for going to the UK and I’m thinking in terms of already winning a spot. But beyond that, beyond this good cause and this contest for social responsibility and global citizenship, is my passion to make a positive difference. I’m flailing.
Flailing but not Failing
I don’t care about material wealth. I don’t care about success in the typical Western sense. Marrying rich, winning the lottery, or having a six-figure income was never a desire, even when I was a kid. I have no job. I will run out of funds if I can’t find a way to make more money soon. Despite all that, I’m doing shit for free. I’m designing, coding, and writing with the good intention that I’m volunteering and making a positive difference with my skills, somehow. I’m doing it with the perhaps naive, but hopeful intention that everything will work out and life magically works in your favor if you “plant good seeds” and make positive connections. I’m doing it with the realization that if I can do this shit for free then I can most definitely do this with a passion that rivals the work-drone life and love my work!
I wear my “goals” not on my sleeve, but on my forehead and try to live my day-to-day with those goals in mind; guided as if by my third eye. First: “bootstrap my career”. Then: “change the world”. I’m still trying to figure out how; romantic, idealist that I am. I’m doing it on a smaller scale, by trying to make the daily choice to go vegetarian, an all around better lifestyle for eco-consciousness. But I’m struggling to find a larger scale. To be a part of something bigger than myself. I don’t want self delusions of grandeur, or worldly acclaim. This isn’t about me. It’s about trying to make a big difference that goes beyond my human existence and lifetime. Maybe that means raising a strong, independent, daughter adopted from China, or raising my own birth-child. Maybe that means traveling the world and building my web, creating a non-profit that impacts relevant global issues. Maybe that means winning the Your Big Year contest and taking part in conservation projects, teaching in Ecuador, and working with tribal communities. Maybe it means “settling down” in one location, community building, and making a difference in the local scene. Maybe it’s a combination of all these things, or maybe none. I don’t know. Whatever it is, I will not give up. I’m too stubborn to quit, and I will let my “third eye” guide me. My inner compass, my intuition. I have a feeling, as crazy as it sounds, that I am meant to do this. I just need to figure out what specifically “this” is… Even when it feels like I’m going nowhere, but going in circles I tell myself:
Out of all the things I’m good at, I’m best at slacking. You know what I’m doing now? You guessed it. Slacking. Sure, I’m writing a blog post, which should be a sense of accomplishment since I’ve been slacking on that too, and I need to step it up on my blog again. But the reality is, I’m putting off something else. There’s always “something else” that I’m not doing and could/should be doing.
Slacking. It can be quite useful when you’re funemployed. But it might get you fired if you do have a job. In the hustle and bustle of the real world, I say, It’s good to be lazy every now and then! You need time to breathe, relax, and jerk slack off! Your body needs it. Your sanity needs it. And even your momma needs it. Not funny? Whatever.
I truly didn’t intend to make this a euphemism for masturbation but that’s kinda how I work, I guess. I just wanted this to be a cute, tongue-in-cheek entry and not necessarily in a pornographic way (Tongue-in-cheek…entry! Get it? Har. Har.). How to be a slacker is more than just porn, although that’s certainly a contributing factor! Here are my top ten ways to be a slacker.
1. More porn. Duh. I love porn. AND I’m a feminist! A sex-positive feminist who thinks more porn will do a body good. As opposed to milk. Although that could be hot. Ever seen a live cam girl pour milk all over her body? I have. For free. Suckas! (Note: Sucking is hot too. For free.) 2. Take a walk. Although this might seem like the complete opposite, most BORING thing ever as compared to porn, it actually works. It helps clear the mind, letting you refuel for more creative genius to rape your ego flow into your life in the form of: A-ha! (And not the 80s one-hit-wonder) I love this SO much that I’m going to take a 280km (that’s about 173 miles for you dumb Americans. It’s OK, I had to look it up too. Touché.) walk on the tropical island which inspired “The Beach” just to overdo myself and become an EPIC slacker. 3. Surf the internet. Surfing the internet (and NOT just porn sites because social media is now more popular than porn, thank you, but just as flagellating) is pretty much what I do all day. Is it unproductive? Maybe. But amidst this unproductivity is a sliver of information (through osmosis) that might be useful someday, stirring ideas and inspiration in a sort of brainstorming process. 4. Eat. Emotional eating is where it’s at. Just don’t get too fat. Especially if you want to look good naked. So you can fuck like a porn star. Wink. 5. Take yourself out. Dating yourself is the most awesome thing ever because it’s so liberating. Empowering. Do something fun to ease your mind off of stress. Try something new. Shake things up. Self-dates nurture your creativity. 6. Pull an all-nighter. Jack yourself up on caffeine and energy drinks and get ready to work on your last-minute project. The result of which could either be your most glorious work, if you’re into running on adrenaline and pulling an “A” out of your ass, OR a half-assed “E” for effort. 7. Sleep. I’ve covered eating, so now lets take a nap! Isn’t it funny how two most basic needs can go hand in hand with being a slacker? What does that say about society? Who always wants to do more, bigger, better, faster? Or religion? Who teaches us that things like gluttony and laziness are bad? Should I feel guilty for taking the time to rest my body? It’s a basic need for crying out loud! Thus concludes: religion is silly. 8. Daydream. Daydreaming is what you get in trouble for doing at school. But my mind always wanders off. Half the time I’m living life in my own little daydream. And you know what? I love it. I love being a space-cadette because I’m Interplanet Janet! Daydreaming is one of the keys to creativity. You can’t go wrong. 9. Meditate. I just came out of a four month Buddhist monastery program where we meditated every day for half an hour. It’s good shit. So good that I really miss it and need it back in my life. Meditation helps you calm, balance and face the day. I solve problems in my head, brainstorm, and think of old forgotten memories that surprise me all while meditating. If you’ve ever seen I Heart Huckabees and how random images fragment and defragment, it’s kind of like that. 10. Live on a tropical island. Every day is a vacation on a tropical island paradise! Things are slower-paced here and laziness is part of the culture. Soak in the sun and live, laugh, love.
Being a slacker doesn’t have to mean being unproductive. The western world puts a lot of emphasis and value on productivity but there needs to be a balance between work and stasis too. Rest can be just as productive as work, as your body, mind, and spirit need to recharge. Empty the cup before you can fill it.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
I was an ardent Atheist when the Serenity prayer first had an impact on me. My boyfriend at the time told me I needed to think about it to help me feel unstuck. Coming from another Atheist, one that I was constantly at odds against, I didn’t really listen to him. Why would I let an Atheist tell me I needed to think about a God thing. What use was that to my life? When I say the Serenity prayer first had its impact on me, I really mean that it didn’t. I shoved it aside and ignored his advice, partly because I didn’t want to believe I needed help, and because I can be fiercely stubborn.
I didn’t need his help. Eventually, I figured out the Serenity prayer on my own and little did he know my catharsis would be the first of our unraveling.
I was maybe the worst version of myself in that relationship. I didn’t feel like I was being “me”. I didn’t feel I even knew who I was. It’s your typical existential 20something quarter-life crisis. Who am I?
My God lines have softened now. I feel the most myself than I have been in years. And I realize it takes courage to be yourself.
From a young age, we are told not to give in to peer pressure, but it’s not that easy. We’re constantly being bombarded with information from the media, advertising, and people. Colleagues. Best friends. Social circles. Strangers. They all have a say on what you should do, and how you should live your life. I’ve been the chameleon, molding myself to other people and their expectations of me for a long time. I’ve let that get in the way with who I am because I didn’t have the self esteem or confidence to assert myself; always yielding to other people. The choice to move beyond that and discover your true, authentic self, takes courage. Don’t let peers or society dictate who you are.
Humans have the ability to adapt to change. When faced with new environments, life threatening illnesses or a life threatening situation, we react and adapt and then either struggle or transcend. Or struggle, and then transcend. This adapting is the stuff that courage is made of. When I think of my situation here and all the people who think I’m “brave” or “courageous” for doing what I’m doing, it’s hard to feel it, because I’ve already adapted. From within myself, I still feel like the same person who’s not-so-brave but when I step outside of myself I realize that I am.
Consider the life of a monk. The monk has found his life purpose in the monastery and seeks to propagate words of compassion. To spread these important and often forgotten actions, he uses the arts to start his own magazine and then publishing company. He shares Buddhist history by opening up museums and colleges. He constantly thinks of new, innovative and entrepreneurial ways to simply fulfill his life purpose, even when he doesn’t have a single penny. He has a mission, a calling and he carves his own path just to be himself. How many people can say they’ve realized and actualized their passions in their own ways? The path to simply being yourself is harder than it seems, but ultimately more fulfilling than living on automaton. Filtering out the information from your peers and from society to listen to yourself is a challenge but it can be done through wisdom and courage.
Recently, I shaved my head. What I neglected to mention was how hard it was to do it! First, I got a passive aggressive “no” from the monks and fa shi (teacher) from the temple. I finally realized why look for approval and validation for a hair cut choice when you are your own master of your life? Something Buddhism teaches. I knew I needed to let go and detach myself from any outside opinions and criticisms. I knew that by shaving my head, I was actually practicing Buddhism Dharma teachings of non-attachment or detachment in the best way I knew how in this moment! Booyah, Buddhism!
The first two barber shops refused to shave my head. It was wild, and I guess it didn’t help that my already softspoken voice was extra quiet and timid. I didn’t come in with conviction but they referred me to another shop around the corner. To my delight, the person shaving my head was a ladyboy! An irony since we were both participating in gender bending. What I would like to do but probably never do is get some tasteful nudes taken of me with a shaved head, because androgyny is fun and sexy with feminine boobies (unless you have manboobs, in which case, I’m sorry).
That’s not the point of this post, though. The point is, even though I shaved my head, I won’t be turning into a monk anytime soon (or, ever), or joining the military (I mean com’n. What kind of monk poses nude?). While this monastery retreat is NOT monastic training, it does give us a shallow glimpse into monastic way of life and culture. I’m surprised and delighted to find that some of my co-learners are set on becoming a monk, have thought about becoming a monk, or are making the important decision soon enough. The beauty of gathering 12 people together to learn about Buddhism is that we all have our own unique goals, mindsets, temperaments and cultures. For me, I’d rather take my samsara (suffering) cycle and embrace my layperson life. Guys are worth the suffering; the manic ecstacy and depression. Detachment from suffering, emotions, life, seems like a life not worth living. Some of my most profound moments have happened at my lowest times. The ability to go through failures, mistakes, rough times is actually a stasis for growth. For me, the beauty of life is the layperson life, but for some, who aren’t interested in wordly affairs and carnal pleasures, monkhood would be a great path. For a girl who writes erotica in her free time (or more like: thinks about writing it and attempts to but never starts or finishes), it’s not the life for me.
What is the life for me? Kirsty asked what my 10 year goal was, and I let it sit in the back of my head to be answered later. The downside of living life in the moment, wherever the wind blows me, and flying by the seat of my pants is that I hardly have any real plans or goals. I have “ideas”, not goals. Goals intimidate me, but ideas are free; able to percolate and come into fruition in their own time.
The truth is, I don’t have a 10 year plan, or goal. I can’t live my life that linearly. I refuse to. Why give myself expectations that will only disappoint and try to build a constricting frame that might not fit? I’d rather be an open canvas! My 10 year idea is pretty simple and only consists of two major things.
Family Building and Solopreneurship
I can’t be a monk because I DO have some “traditional” ideas of family. While I make it a point to seem inherently non-traditional, I’m actually quite conservative when it comes to relationships and family. I don’t believe in divorce, and consequentially, I’m not quite sure I believe in marriage either (though I DO believe in gay marriage and feel that it will revive the institution but that’s beside the point). The reasons I’m single is that I couldn’t be bothered with frivolous dating or hookup culture. I feel that if I’m going to be with someone, it better be someone I feel I could have longterm potential with. I’ll try not to fit square pegs in round holes if that’s not the case, but I’m very choosy when it comes to finding partnership. Dating just doesn’t cut it for me, or even looking. Still, I’d love to have a family, someday, in its own time.
The balance between being career driven and family oriented is a hard one. In one extreme, as the stay-at-home mom, I feel you run the risk of losing yourself and on the other extreme, you won’t be able to give the love and attention that a child needs if you start a family. I am willing to lose myself in being a mother but I’m also willing to find myself and rediscover what I can offer. Being a solopreneur not only makes traveling and working from anywhere easier, it could also feasibly make raising a child at home easier as well! I’ve tried being the career woman. I learned after college and two professional jobs as a graphic designer that working “in the rat race” and “Corporate America” or “working for the man” was not who I was or am meant to be. It sucked the life out of me.
How can I do this better?
I’m still trying to find this out. In reality, career development is the area I feel least confident in. I guess I’m hoping this travel journey will help me figure it out along the way. I know I’m lost, but for once, I don’t want to be found! I’m having a pretty great time exploring and having fun. Future? Anxiety? Puh-lease! I’ve been entertaining the idea of traveling for several years and being a “professional nomad”; working along the way. Wouldn’t it be romantic if I found a nomadic adventurer willing to rule the world with me? No expectations, but I can dream right?
My “traditional” family won’t be living in a house with a picket fence. I’ll blaze my trail and find my own tradition. Here’s a hint: I already am.
Colin, from Exile Lifestyle, has a unique way of networking that will help you learn how to socialize not only for an emotional benefit (making new friends), but a well-rounded approach that can help leverage yourself in all aspects including professional. Being an INFJ (or is it INFP?), this is useful information, especially for someone who wants to become a professional freelancer, and location independent nomad.
In the 21st century, there is no such thing as job security. Sad but true. The only thing you can control is yourself, and how you market yourself to others. If those words seem too intimidating or professional, just think of it as how you make an impression on others. Obviously, you want to make a good impression, and meet new people that you might have a connection with. Colin makes “networking” fun and enjoyable. Building communities and a good social network is one of the keys not only to success in work and life, but in longevity.
I had the pleasure of writing a short contribution for Colin in his brand new e-book, as well as other contributions from all over the blogosphere. If personal and career development is up your alley, don’t miss this e-book!
If you don’t know who Colin is, you should. He is a multidisciplinary designer traveling all across the globe and making his business mobile and location independent. He lives four months at a time in a new country decided and voted on by his readers in his Exile Lifestyle community.
Obviously, at a Buddhist monastery, I can’t exactly network awesomely but I’m brainstorming and thinking of what the next step in my life should be. Colin’s e-book provides clear, concise advice for people wanting to develop themselves as individuals.
To visit Exile Lifestyle or purchase his new e-book, click here.
“So tell me about yourself?”
The Western way of thinking, when given such an open-ended question, is to talk about your job, or your work history. The underlying question is this: “What do you do?” We all know it, and we’re programmed to answer obligingly, giving people what is called the elevator speech.
“I got my degree in graphic design but currently I’m a freelance writer.”
In reality, I’m making less than part-time work and feel like I’m basically bumming around in Asia. I have lots of ideas swirling around in my head of what to do with my life or where to go next, but mostly, I’m on idle time. I’m hibernating. I’m on a career break.
In January of this year, I volunteered in India to teach English to slum school kids. In February, I experienced culture shock as I was just starting to settle in my new home with my family in the Philippines. Despite being born here, I moved at the age of three with my mom to the west coast of the United States and have been too far removed from my culture. I am an Americanized Filipino American.
The problem with the elevator speech is that it places too much emphasis on your career as your identity. When people are unemployed, the situation may take its toll on their self-esteem or ego. Even I am not immune to this as my western go-go-go mentality makes me feel like I need to achieve in order to be somebody. I haven’t started my portfolio site yet? What a loser!
Own Your Career Break
So I don’t have a “real job”. So what? Being on idle time can benefit your life. Slowing down from the hectic pace of work, and living a simple, minimalistic lifestyle not only reduces stress, but allows your brain to figure out epiphanies on its own time. In other words, by taking a career break, I am setting myself up for future success and giving myself the time and resources to do it. Simply exploring, experiencing and seeking new opportunities in a foreign place will help me grow as an individual that will affect both my work life and personal life in a positive way. My non-actualized plan is to travel to other Asian countries during my year stay (or possibly more) in the Philippines, while lightly funding my trip through various freelance opportunities (as a writer, designer, photographer extraordinaire). I have no return ticket back to the States. Just my daydreamer, idealist self and my “fly by the seat of my own pants” mentality. Maybe that’s naive, but I’m not too worried about myself. I know it will all work out.
Who Am I?
This question always stumps me because I am far too complex than a job title. I am someone who strives to learn about myself through reflection and introspection. I am someone who despises the traditional American Dream, rejects status quo, and is on a journey to learn about other alternatives. I am someone who finds passion in art, life long learning, trying new things, and never giving up. I am someone who finds value in the Eastern way of thinking and the importance of slowing down; be it through meditation, relaxation, or career break. I am someone who finds compassion in helping others, and wants to change the world. I am someone with big dreams and passion and potential just waiting to be harnessed.
This year, I endeavor to make that happen, whatever “that” is.
I am part of Matt Chevy’s Life Without Pants project, The Epiphany Moment! Check out the other videos on his website.
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I recorded this video 5 months ago and it’s funny what can happen in nearly half a year:
I got fired from a job that I hated. I was planning to quit anyway, due to my travel plans, but they fired me a month before I had planned to throw in the towel. I have never gone into detail of this moment in my life because I didn’t want to write about my work life in a negative manner. The situation is far enough removed from my life now that I feel I can elaborate more. As a graphic designer, my career path has been shaky. I felt that I wasn’t utilizing my degree and wasting away in a dead-end job worst than Kinkos. It’s a bit like designing the Yellow Pages, except I was “designing” hospital forms. In addition, I was managing a one-woman print shop for a good portion of a year before the company hired on an assistant. I learned administrative duties, bookkeeping and customer service; I did it all, but as a graphic designer, I felt I was severely lacking on portfolio building work. In retrospect, I am glad to have had the experience because as often is the case in the corporate world, it helped set me up for my next stage in life as I attempt self-employment.
I made a (more or less) career switch. I am now self-employed, and loving it! I am a social media writer/blogger updating Twitter and Facebook accounts and blogging for company accounts. I don’t consider myself “successful”, in the traditional sense of the word. I make enough to sustain myself in Asia but less than half the amount I made at my previous job. I see myself less as an “entrepreneur” and more as a “hustler” at this stage of my career but as soon as I can get more clients things may change. I’d love to tie this all back with my design skills somehow, but right now, I’m enjoying my time as a writer.
I moved to Asia. I didn’t end up volunteering in the Himalayas of India like I had mentioned on the video. Last minute organization changes with my volunteer program had me placed in and around New Delhi, India, but I have loved every second of it. I currently live with my family in Cebu, Philippines. I’m not sure what I’m hoping to get out of this whole experience, specifically, but that’s the fun in the journey. I hope to travel to other Asian countries during this year, but have no formalized plans. I hope to live a sustainable, location independent freelance career by the end of the year, and have enough money/income by the time I return to the states to move to San Francisco (ish), California!
If you can follow your heart, you can do anything, and I am proof of that. Dream big, and live the life you want, right now!
Lorien blogs at Wayfaring Stranger and she is a kindred spirit full of fierce courage, adventure and love for life. It’s been an honor to get to know her through blogging, guest posting about Tough Girls, and hope to meet her one day! She’s a fellow Filipina and I hope you enjoy her story:
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Childish Enthusiasm
The walks are longer now, the mountains are higher, the trees are taller and the guns go from shooting water to shooting real, live bullets. But nothing ever changes. Except now, I’m all grown up. It’s less make believe, and more reality.
“We grow neither better nor worse as we get old, but more like ourselves” – May Lamberton
When I was young, I used to hike my journal out into the open fields and I’d climb small boulders and pretend that they were mountains. I explored castles on the scenic Lake Geneva, I learned languages and wrote letter after flourished letter to distant friends and kept notebook after notebook of journals stacked up on the highest shelf of my highest bookshelf. I imagined my life being my dreams turned into realities. I imagined I would walk through the world, one lonely highway at a time, then I would
Now, my journals are digital. A notebook filled with leafs of paper are now replaced by a Macbook. I went from imagining that I hiked a hundred miles to actually hiking that distance. I still look over an expansive landscape, and let the sheer glory of the horizon take my breath away. The higher you are, the thinner the air, the harder it is to continue but the greater the reward is for someone who can open their eyes and enjoy the magnitude of the world around them.
“A grown up is a child with layers on it” – Woody Harrelson
I have been married. I have been divorced. I hold an Associate Degree, a Bachelors Degree, and a Master’s is in the works. I own a car. I have owned a house. I have credit cards, bills and a thousand other “grown up” things. I’m up to my eyeballs in student loans. This is adulthood, I suppose, this grander, more modern version of my childhood play days.
“Put yourself into life and never lose your openness, your childish enthusiasm… and things will come your way.” – Frederico Fellini
As a child, we simply feel. We don’t sensor, we don’t intellectualize. We take everything in like a sponge. We are filled with this childish enthusiasm for everything that we experience – everything is new, everything is for the first time – we become tainted and jaded unless we make an effort to always keep our eyes open to the wonders around us.
Keep your eyes open. Keep your head in the clouds, and let your childish dreams come true! Let it fall into your lap, and you will always be satisfied with the hand you are dealt.
This post is part of a series on personal development, career and identity. It’s not about who you want to be when you grow up, but being who you ARE. The key is to find out your true calling and passions and then figuring out how to live it. We all have stories to share, and I want to hear yours. If you’d like to guest blog for the Panda, please submit to floreta@solitarypanda.com.
What first drew me to Kristan was a picture of her and her dog! She had a Jack Russell terrier mutt and being that I used to own a Jack Russell, I have a big soft spot for them. She’s captivated me with her writing, and I’ve cheered her on when she entered a writing contest. I was very honored to guest blog for her one day (in which I first publicly announced my big Asia plans!) and so I couldn’t help but to return the favor. I know she has a big passion for writing, the kind of passion that drives you. And so, I wanted to hear her story:
First, I’d like to thank Floreta for inviting me to guest blog for her. I’ve been a fan ever since I saw her old panda logo. Not only is that little guy adorable, but he’s also indicative of how creative, independent, and fearless Floreta is. Seriously? This girl rocks! So it’s an honor to be among the bloggers that she trusts to fill her void.
Second, I didn’t really have a second.
And third, oh yeah, I guess I’ll talk about identity. Since that’s the theme and all.
The chameleon
As a young child, I had a handful of close family friends, none of whom knew each other, all of whom knew a certain version of me. Then there were my school friends. Then there were my Chinese school friends. Because I wanted to be liked by them all, I learned to act a certain way for each of them, and I started to think of myself as a chameleon, constantly changing colors.
The halfie
Speaking of Chinese school… I’m half Chinese! And do you know what’s really weird? Being half of something. Because then the other half is something else. Something different. Sometimes even something incompatible. Fortunately for me, my Asian and Caucasian halves seem to get along okay, but as a whole, I still have issues with my ethnic identity.
See, whenever I went visited my mom’s side of the family in Taiwan, I couldn’t speak to them because I didn’t really know Mandarin. That made me feel inadequate. Not Chinese enough.
But then, when I was with my dad’s side of the family, and I wanted noodles and cucumber cooked in oyster sauce, or some other weird Asian thing, I felt out of place. Not American enough.
I couldn’t win.
The word nerd
At age 4, I wanted to be a ballerina. At age 6, a cowgirl. At age 7, a veterinarian with a dude ranch. Don’t ask.
Then at age 9, I had to write an essay about the most beautiful place I’d ever been. I busted my butt on that essay, and I got an A+. Ever since then, I’ve wanted to be a writer.
The result
I often worried about these 3 aspects of my identity. People always talked about “staying true to yourself,” but I was constantly changing to please those around me. Wasn’t that bad? And I was the only brown-headed kid in Chinese school, where I took a special class with kids half my age. Wasn’t that weird? And writers, well, they don’t make any money. They live in cardboard boxes and mooch off their friends. Isn’t that pathetic?
I told myself that as I got older I would outgrow these parts of myself. Eventually I would learn that I didn’t have to be a chameleon. Eventually I would perfect the art of being Asian as well as the art of being American, and those would just become two more colors that my skin could switch to. Eventually I would stop wanting to be a writer and do something that you could actually make a career out of. Like programming. I liked programming a lot.
But that’s not what happened. Instead, as I got older, I outgrew my worries, and I grew into my own skin. I realized that a chameleon can change the color of his skin, but he cannot change his spiny lizard body or his big googly eyes. I realized that being half of two things meant I got the best of both worlds. I learned that writing was really the only I loved enough to do for the rest of my life.
So here I am today, a wordy nerdy halfie chameleon. It’s a hard thing to be, but it’s me. And I love it.
What I want to know is, who are you? When did you realize it? And more importantly, when did you embrace it?
This post is part of a series on personal development, career and identity. It’s not about who you want to be when you grow up, but being who you ARE. The key is to find out your true calling and passions and then figuring out how to live it. We all have stories to share, and I want to hear yours. If you’d like to guest blog for the Panda, please submit to floreta@solitarypanda.com.
Jeremy is a talented illustrator and artist at jeremytheartist.com. As “creative types”, we hit it off pretty fast on 20sb. His creative process involves hand inking cartoons, scanning them on the computer and then coloring through photoshop. It’s a bit different than the digitized wacom tablet process and I appreciate his merging of traditional with digital techniques. As someone who finds it hard to channel my passions, I have much respect for people who have such obvious focused passion… Enjoy!
The Walk So Far
So my journey has been somewhat of a bumpy ride, but who hasn’t had their share of bumps eh? I definitely think I still have awhile to go before I am bountiful in material wealth, but I like to play with the notion that I’ve learned a thing or two along the way so far..
I included a drawing for this post that might carry my story along a bit better than I can. Each “panel” is marked with a number so it goes as such:
I was a fetus. And as you can see, I was wearing my first pair of glasses.
As a small boy, I drew a lot, ranging from dinosaurs to monsters to family members to family members on dinosaurs eating monsters. You think I’m kidding.
“The Band Years”. ‘bout 6 years there where the only “real” drawings anyone saw were my banners I made for the different instrumental sections to put in the band hall. That, and a couple t-shirt designs I made my senior year of high school.
Me at the present time. “The Man With The Talking Head”, “Jeremy The Artist”, “Jerms”.. “Sexy Pants”…though I don’t really prefer to be called the latter.
I like to think myself an artist most days. I take considerate joy, especially in the art of cartooning, a career I am grateful to have started a few years back…
My father was the cartoonist for his collegiate newspaper and it is something I’ve always taken great pride in…telling all the other kids that my dad could draw was something I cherished…one of the great things growing up was looking at all his doodles in this scrapbook that he kept, of all his cartoons he did for the paper…
That went to the top of the list in my head as far as what to do when I enter college. Sure enough, one of the first weeks of my freshman year, I found the collegiate paper and asked to be the cartoonist…it was one of those “heart thumper moments” ya know? “Hi, I am interested in drawing cartoons for the paper?” *tha thump tha thump tha thump*……. “sure.” …… “ok”…leaving the office, I thought to myself…how the hell…do I draw an editorial cartoon.
Little did I know what that would blossom into…a 4.5 year career as the Editorial Cartoonist…in which time I am proud to say I learned a small portion of what the hell I was supposed to be doing, even receiving 1st Place Editorial Cartoonist at a newspaper competition event I went to my last year..the whole Editorial Cartoonist experience is something that I will always treasure, for both the lessons I learned and the people I shared it with.
In that time, I can definitely say I grew and understand more so the dynamics of cartooning. I began to study the Sunday newspapers and any other comic/cartoon strips I could get my hands on…studying their specific compositions, styles, transitions, etc..
Cartooning, before college, was something I had enjoyed but not necessarily considered as a serious career. Drawing those editorial cartoons every week, and then eventually launching my own comic strip for the paper, I began to understand more about what making a cartoon is all about.
I compare cartooning to doing comedic stand up…it’s the greatest thing for someone to walk up to you and tell you how funny your cartoon was in last week’s issue. ..knowing that you made a person laugh, chuckle, smile or even a small smirk just makes you feel great inside…and you work your hardest to make each and every cartoon you do that much funnier and enjoyable for your readers.
I’m currently applying for my masters in Graphic Design, but cartooning is something I carry along with me next to my heart…I know it will be something I will do until the day I leave this earth and I am content with that knowledge, regardless of any other variables that will be affecting my life.
Cartooning is my passion, makes the walk so far a lil’ bit easier to tread.
This post is part of a series on personal development, career and identity. It’s not about who you want to be when you grow up, but being who you ARE. The key is to find out your true calling and passions and then figuring out how to live it. We all have stories to share, and I want to hear yours. If you’d like to guest blog for the Panda, please submit to floreta@solitarypanda.com.
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