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AKA: Hello, my name is Janet
Janet Cui Brent (God, that’s so American). Nice to meet you! I’ve used Floreta as my pseudonym ever since I was on blogspot. I liked the idea of using my former middle name. Long story short: Floreta is my grandma’s maiden name and when my single mom married an American, for conventional reasons, she changed my name to adopt our new family, dropped Floreta and made Cui my new middle name. Because that’s how Filipinos change their names.
Floreta suited me. It holds a special place in my heart because it reminds me of lola (grandma). I liked the idea of creating a new persona for my online world. Reclaiming my lost name. Because I felt lost. I didn’t want to mix work and online together. I’ve always been deeply fearful of anyone from “real life” finding my blogs. Reading my thoughts. Once, someone from high school found my blog (an older reincarnation that no longer exists) and I freaked out. I’ve been shy. I’ve been socially awkward. And the amount of introspection and emotion I pour into my writings horrified me at the thought of people finding out. I needed Floreta to be brave. When I wrote about my personal heartaches, erotica, or poetry, I needed Floreta to stand strong.
If You Want to Be Internet Famous, You Might As Well Use Your Real Name
There came a point when I no longer needed to hide behind Floreta. Maybe the shift happened when I slowly let more and more of my “real life” friends read my blog after I left for my journey. Maybe the shift happened when some of my fellow monastery retreaters found my blog. When you have an online representation of your life, people you know will find it eventually. So if you’re planning to be internet famous, you might as well use your real name*. I don’t know if I really want to be “internet famous”, but I’m just saying.
I’ve got big plans for myself. I’m putting that out there so the Universe will know and so I feel more accountable. That’s what I do when I’m scared of something. I tell people my ideas so I’m more likely to follow through with them. Like how I told everyone that I was going to the Philippines nearly two years ago. To live with my family. Maybe go back to school. Explore my options. Travel.
People wholeheartedly encouraged me. Said it was possible. Made me feel I wasn’t crazy. Like this quarter-life crisis was normal.
These are the Little Baby Steps that make a huge difference. You feel it out. Test the waters. See how people react. You make lists of steps to take to achieve your goal(s) and then go about completing them, not necessarily in order. You think. A lot. You freak out. You think some more. You think you can’t do it, and you’re crazy, on bad days. You start to think maybe you can do it, after all, on good days. The amount of thinking that fills your brain propels you to action. You think so much you have no choice but to act. Because the amount of thinking takes up a huge chunk of your time. You don’t want it all to go to waste. And you realize it’s not a waste.
I fucking DID IT. I traveled to Asia. I was scared out of my mind before boarding that plane. But I did. I crossed international date lines and found myself in a whirling mess and confusion of India (which, by the way, is NOT the easiest country to travel to for your first solo trip). Found myself in the Philippines back home with my family. Found myself in a Buddhist temple. You adapt. You realize what scares you isn’t as scary as you thought it would be.
You realize what scares you isn’t as scary as you thought it would be.
I’m scared out of my mind. Once again. But I’m telling you, and I’m telling the Universe, so I can be accountable. A simple nudge in the right direction. Baby steps.
The other week or so, I won a free e-book called The Unconventional Guide to Working for Yourself. You may be familiar with Chris from The Art of Non-Conformity. He’s kind of big.
I don’t necessarily want to be internet famous, but I want to use my online presence to build a business. And that’s it. I’ve put this off long enough, because I had this vague notion of “moving to Asia and becoming location independent” when I got here, without actually doing anything to get there. The calling is getting louder and I can’t ignore it anymore. If I want to build a career out of my web presence, it only makes sense to use my real name.
Janet Brent
Loud and proud. Future internet stalkers and boyfriends can find me now. Reclaiming my real name is empowering. Because it shows I’m ready. I’m serious. I can’t hide behind monikers and pseudonyms anymore. And when/if I get married, I’m reclaiming my middle name.
Internet: my name is Janet, and lets rock it!
*Unless you’re Perez Hilton, which works for a “personal brand” more than whatever boring name he actually has.
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Recently, I realized that I’m essentially going on a Pilgrimage of sorts this year.
At least, that’s where life seems to be taking me.
Pilgrimage: In religion and spirituality, a pilgrimage is a long journey or search of great moral significance.
What started out as a year of personal freedom, growth and opportunity has lead me to thinking about things bigger than myself.
It Started in India
In January, I worked at a “slum school” teaching kids English. The funding was so poor for the school that they did not even have walls. This makeshift school was conducted completely outside, within the cooler morning air, and the elements. Half of the kids didn’t even have shoes to wear, or lunch to eat. A typical house looked like it was made of mud and dirt, with tattered tarp roofs made of plastic and rubber tires. Despite the poor conditions, I was told this was the “nicer” slums. Families had TVs, or a communal TV that villagers would share.
I wish I could say this was some sort of transformative experience that gave my life new meaning. But it wasn’t. It was just four hours a day of teaching kids their ABCs, assigning them letters to write in repetition, pointing out random letters to see if they knew what they were, going through the alphabet together. It was just four hours of putting my work in and then exploring the Indian streets every night to ride rickshaws, look at the street shops, and refrain from buying anything because I didn’t want to haggle and I didn’t want to get scammed.
Sometimes, transformation happens slowly. In gradual steps, rather than a rush or sudden epiphany. I’ve got this idea in my head that I’m supposed to help young girls inspire and empower them to do great things, despite being dealt bad cards. I don’t know where this idea came from and I’m not even sure how to do it, or how to start something so huge. I’m not even sure I’m the one to do it. I mean, who IS this humanitarian chick anyway!? Where did she come from? Is that even…me?
(Oh, and she hates to admit it but she’s getting a little God-y too.)
Ideas need time to bubble. Maybe this is a calling, because the idea won’t shut up. It’s simmering, for now, just waiting until the day when it’s ready to come out. Not all ideas make it that far, of course. Most don’t see the light of day, but I’ve got a feeling about this idea, and it’s worth holding on to. I’m not sure how it will turn out, or if it’ll see the light of day, but I have to try. I have to let it sizzle.
I don’t know where this year will take me, or what I’ll learn at the monastery, but I’m betting this is part of the process. Am I crazy or delusional? I mean, really? I don’t know know what the heck is going ON with me lately.
Suddenly, I’m thinking of my life like the book Eat, Pray, Love. One divorced woman’s journey to find herself, and achieve balance through prayer (spiritual), love (sexual) and good food while traversing the world. So I don’t have a Brazilian lover, like she did, but I don’t want to be fucking Mother Theresa really either (um, I didn’t mean that literally). As much as I hate having a plan, I’d like to think I could envision myself with someone in five years. And still with [whomever that] someone [is] in ten. I don’t want to be Mother Theresa. I know right now I can’t dedicate my whole life to a cause. I want balance. I want to be able to fuck when I want to. But I also want to be part of something bigger than myself, whether that means starting a family, or starting a revolution. I want to [help] change the world.
This year, I am on a Pilgrimage. Wondering where my transformation will take me, and what lays around the bend.
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Lorien blogs at Wayfaring Stranger and she is a kindred spirit full of fierce courage, adventure and love for life. It’s been an honor to get to know her through blogging, guest posting about Tough Girls, and hope to meet her one day! She’s a fellow Filipina and I hope you enjoy her story:
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Childish Enthusiasm
The walks are longer now, the mountains are higher, the trees are taller and the guns go from shooting water to shooting real, live bullets. But nothing ever changes. Except now, I’m all grown up. It’s less make believe, and more reality.
“We grow neither better nor worse as we get old, but more like ourselves” – May Lamberton
When I was young, I used to hike my journal out into the open fields and I’d climb small boulders and pretend that they were mountains. I explored castles on the scenic Lake Geneva, I learned languages and wrote letter after flourished letter to distant friends and kept notebook after notebook of journals stacked up on the highest shelf of my highest bookshelf. I imagined my life being my dreams turned into realities. I imagined I would walk through the world, one lonely highway at a time, then I would
Now, my journals are digital. A notebook filled with leafs of paper are now replaced by a Macbook. I went from imagining that I hiked a hundred miles to actually hiking that distance. I still look over an expansive landscape, and let the sheer glory of the horizon take my breath away. The higher you are, the thinner the air, the harder it is to continue but the greater the reward is for someone who can open their eyes and enjoy the magnitude of the world around them.
“A grown up is a child with layers on it” – Woody Harrelson
I have been married. I have been divorced. I hold an Associate Degree, a Bachelors Degree, and a Master’s is in the works. I own a car. I have owned a house. I have credit cards, bills and a thousand other “grown up” things. I’m up to my eyeballs in student loans. This is adulthood, I suppose, this grander, more modern version of my childhood play days.
“Put yourself into life and never lose your openness, your childish enthusiasm… and things will come your way.” – Frederico Fellini
As a child, we simply feel. We don’t sensor, we don’t intellectualize. We take everything in like a sponge. We are filled with this childish enthusiasm for everything that we experience – everything is new, everything is for the first time – we become tainted and jaded unless we make an effort to always keep our eyes open to the wonders around us.
Keep your eyes open. Keep your head in the clouds, and let your childish dreams come true! Let it fall into your lap, and you will always be satisfied with the hand you are dealt.
This post is part of a series on personal development, career and identity. It’s not about who you want to be when you grow up, but being who you ARE. The key is to find out your true calling and passions and then figuring out how to live it. We all have stories to share, and I want to hear yours. If you’d like to guest blog for the Panda, please submit to floreta@solitarypanda.com.
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What first drew me to Kristan was a picture of her and her dog! She had a Jack Russell terrier mutt and being that I used to own a Jack Russell, I have a big soft spot for them. She’s captivated me with her writing, and I’ve cheered her on when she entered a writing contest. I was very honored to guest blog for her one day (in which I first publicly announced my big Asia plans!) and so I couldn’t help but to return the favor. I know she has a big passion for writing, the kind of passion that drives you. And so, I wanted to hear her story:
The wordy nerdy halfie chameleon
by
Kristan Hoffman
First, I’d like to thank Floreta for inviting me to guest blog for her. I’ve been a fan ever since I saw her old panda logo. Not only is that little guy adorable, but he’s also indicative of how creative, independent, and fearless Floreta is. Seriously? This girl rocks! So it’s an honor to be among the bloggers that she trusts to fill her void.
Second, I didn’t really have a second.
And third, oh yeah, I guess I’ll talk about identity. Since that’s the theme and all.
The chameleon
As a young child, I had a handful of close family friends, none of whom knew each other, all of whom knew a certain version of me. Then there were my school friends. Then there were my Chinese school friends. Because I wanted to be liked by them all, I learned to act a certain way for each of them, and I started to think of myself as a chameleon, constantly changing colors.
The halfie
Speaking of Chinese school… I’m half Chinese! And do you know what’s really weird? Being half of something. Because then the other half is something else. Something different. Sometimes even something incompatible. Fortunately for me, my Asian and Caucasian halves seem to get along okay, but as a whole, I still have issues with my ethnic identity.
See, whenever I went visited my mom’s side of the family in Taiwan, I couldn’t speak to them because I didn’t really know Mandarin. That made me feel inadequate. Not Chinese enough.
But then, when I was with my dad’s side of the family, and I wanted noodles and cucumber cooked in oyster sauce, or some other weird Asian thing, I felt out of place. Not American enough.
I couldn’t win.
The word nerd
At age 4, I wanted to be a ballerina. At age 6, a cowgirl. At age 7, a veterinarian with a dude ranch. Don’t ask.
Then at age 9, I had to write an essay about the most beautiful place I’d ever been. I busted my butt on that essay, and I got an A+. Ever since then, I’ve wanted to be a writer.
The result
I often worried about these 3 aspects of my identity. People always talked about “staying true to yourself,” but I was constantly changing to please those around me. Wasn’t that bad? And I was the only brown-headed kid in Chinese school, where I took a special class with kids half my age. Wasn’t that weird? And writers, well, they don’t make any money. They live in cardboard boxes and mooch off their friends. Isn’t that pathetic?
I told myself that as I got older I would outgrow these parts of myself. Eventually I would learn that I didn’t have to be a chameleon. Eventually I would perfect the art of being Asian as well as the art of being American, and those would just become two more colors that my skin could switch to. Eventually I would stop wanting to be a writer and do something that you could actually make a career out of. Like programming. I liked programming a lot.
But that’s not what happened. Instead, as I got older, I outgrew my worries, and I grew into my own skin. I realized that a chameleon can change the color of his skin, but he cannot change his spiny lizard body or his big googly eyes. I realized that being half of two things meant I got the best of both worlds. I learned that writing was really the only I loved enough to do for the rest of my life.
So here I am today, a wordy nerdy halfie chameleon. It’s a hard thing to be, but it’s me. And I love it.
What I want to know is, who are you? When did you realize it? And more importantly, when did you embrace it?
This post is part of a series on personal development, career and identity. It’s not about who you want to be when you grow up, but being who you ARE. The key is to find out your true calling and passions and then figuring out how to live it. We all have stories to share, and I want to hear yours. If you’d like to guest blog for the Panda, please submit to floreta@solitarypanda.com.
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Jeremy is a talented illustrator and artist at jeremytheartist.com. As “creative types”, we hit it off pretty fast on 20sb. His creative process involves hand inking cartoons, scanning them on the computer and then coloring through photoshop. It’s a bit different than the digitized wacom tablet process and I appreciate his merging of traditional with digital techniques. As someone who finds it hard to channel my passions, I have much respect for people who have such obvious focused passion… Enjoy!
The Walk So Far
So my journey has been somewhat of a bumpy ride, but who hasn’t had their share of bumps eh? I definitely think I still have awhile to go before I am bountiful in material wealth, but I like to play with the notion that I’ve learned a thing or two along the way so far..
I included a drawing for this post that might carry my story along a bit better than I can. Each “panel” is marked with a number so it goes as such:
I was a fetus. And as you can see, I was wearing my first pair of glasses.
As a small boy, I drew a lot, ranging from dinosaurs to monsters to family members to family members on dinosaurs eating monsters. You think I’m kidding.
“The Band Years”. ‘bout 6 years there where the only “real” drawings anyone saw were my banners I made for the different instrumental sections to put in the band hall. That, and a couple t-shirt designs I made my senior year of high school.
Me at the present time. “The Man With The Talking Head”, “Jeremy The Artist”, “Jerms”.. “Sexy Pants”…though I don’t really prefer to be called the latter.
I like to think myself an artist most days. I take considerate joy, especially in the art of cartooning, a career I am grateful to have started a few years back…
My father was the cartoonist for his collegiate newspaper and it is something I’ve always taken great pride in…telling all the other kids that my dad could draw was something I cherished…one of the great things growing up was looking at all his doodles in this scrapbook that he kept, of all his cartoons he did for the paper…
That went to the top of the list in my head as far as what to do when I enter college. Sure enough, one of the first weeks of my freshman year, I found the collegiate paper and asked to be the cartoonist…it was one of those “heart thumper moments” ya know? “Hi, I am interested in drawing cartoons for the paper?” *tha thump tha thump tha thump*……. “sure.” …… “ok”…leaving the office, I thought to myself…how the hell…do I draw an editorial cartoon.
Little did I know what that would blossom into…a 4.5 year career as the Editorial Cartoonist…in which time I am proud to say I learned a small portion of what the hell I was supposed to be doing, even receiving 1st Place Editorial Cartoonist at a newspaper competition event I went to my last year..the whole Editorial Cartoonist experience is something that I will always treasure, for both the lessons I learned and the people I shared it with.
In that time, I can definitely say I grew and understand more so the dynamics of cartooning. I began to study the Sunday newspapers and any other comic/cartoon strips I could get my hands on…studying their specific compositions, styles, transitions, etc..
Cartooning, before college, was something I had enjoyed but not necessarily considered as a serious career. Drawing those editorial cartoons every week, and then eventually launching my own comic strip for the paper, I began to understand more about what making a cartoon is all about.
I compare cartooning to doing comedic stand up…it’s the greatest thing for someone to walk up to you and tell you how funny your cartoon was in last week’s issue. ..knowing that you made a person laugh, chuckle, smile or even a small smirk just makes you feel great inside…and you work your hardest to make each and every cartoon you do that much funnier and enjoyable for your readers.
I’m currently applying for my masters in Graphic Design, but cartooning is something I carry along with me next to my heart…I know it will be something I will do until the day I leave this earth and I am content with that knowledge, regardless of any other variables that will be affecting my life.
Cartooning is my passion, makes the walk so far a lil’ bit easier to tread.
This post is part of a series on personal development, career and identity. It’s not about who you want to be when you grow up, but being who you ARE. The key is to find out your true calling and passions and then figuring out how to live it. We all have stories to share, and I want to hear yours. If you’d like to guest blog for the Panda, please submit to floreta@solitarypanda.com.
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Andrew and I go way back when I posted on his internet forum that he has managed and built from scratch for years. After seeing my interest and passion for blogging, he got inspired to start his own at Don’t Feed the Animals; a witty title stemming from a reference to one of Chuck Pahliunuk’s novels, Choke. He writes smart, thought-provoking and well written essays about life and society from a convincingly Atheist perspective.
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I’m 27 and I only recently figured out what I want to do with my life. This is how I came to that decision:
When I was in my late teens, I thought that the entire world could be explained by a mathematical equation. Of course, I never found that equation, but I was sure that it existed. Maybe I should blame the movie Pi for that, but I had really always been a logic-over-passion type of person. Personal happiness, my conjecture began, is as simple as plugging in the variables. Now, while I am no longer as naive, I do feel like I was on to something. Recently, for my 27th birthday, a friend handed me a book called The Black Swan by Nassim Nicholas Taleb. Written by a former trader and lifelong philosopher, this book appeared on the surface to be about economics and mathematics. However, beneath all the talk about stock market crashes and the Mandelbrot set, there was a real sense of practical clarity. The volatility of the various markets, one realizes, is no different than the everyday lives each of us choose to lead. There are markets for any personality; low risk, high risk, bland and exotic. Why, then, can we not take the approach we make toward money and apply it to real life?
If that seems a bit dispassionate to you, let me make it a little more vivid. I don’t know what you’re doing with your life right now, but whatever it is, I’m sure you can classify it under one of two categories. The first category, which Taleb refers to as Mediocristan, is where every day is generally the same; you can expect some variation, but even on the best or worst days, the overall experience doesn’t modify the landscape of your life. Consider waitressing: even your best day can occur within predictable means. A $500 tip would be outstanding, but it wouldn’t change your life. The second category, called Extremistan, offers a much different range of possibilities. In this environment, the majority of your days may seem just as monotonous as Mediocristan, but the potential for life-altering circumstances always looms. If you’re a writer, for instance, you can spend a lifetime in obscurity, earning meager recognition for your labor. Then, suddenly, you’re a hit. The ceiling on your potential success at this point is non-existent. Furthermore, the success you do achieve will undoubtedly alter your immediate life and your future, in addition to justifying all the years of toil you spent to get to that point. It all depends on what you expose yourself to.
Let’s go back to cold, unfeeling math for a moment now. At the heart of our two realms of existence, we have two types of probability; negative and positive. Negative probability works like this: if you’re a restaurant owner, the best you can realistically hope for is that your restaurant achieves success enough for you to either live off the returns or open another one. However, the worst that can happen is that you lose your entire investment (maybe more) when nobody shows up to eat your food. The general analysis? There is a lot invested for a mediocre, measured gain at best. Many of us choose this route because we are comfortable with the idea that the modesty creates a greater chance for success. Meanwhile, we have positive probably to consider as well. It works in the opposite manner of negative probability; small investments have a low chance of making it big, but when they do, the positives can easily outweigh a lifetime of negatives. The performer Eddie Cantor once said, “It takes 20 years of hard work to become an overnight success.” The first step in exposing yourself to the right kind of environment is to identify the type of probability at play within it.
Scalability is another key component to potential success. Consider that it would take considerably more work to make a million dollars as a waitress than as a writer. Though on your worst day as a writer, you will make less money than a waitress on her worst day, all it takes is one good day to change it all around. As a restaurateur, you’re required to keep opening more and more restaurants if you want to increase your profits; a single location can only earn you so much. However, as a venture capitalist, one can make an unlimited amount of investments, while only needing one hit to consider the path a success. It maximizes serendipity. Some people dream of wild success while working at a desk job or providing a personal service. I’m not here to say that they’re caught in a dream. Instead, I want to make a point out of their potential; no matter what heights they reach, they are always limited by the number of hours in a day and breath in their lungs. If we want to reach the stars, we know we can’t simply walk there, we have to be a bit more clever than that.
The most important factor in choosing what to expose yourself to: What will make you happy? Despite all I’ve said about success, I undoubtedly endorse the world of Mediocristan if you just want to be happy. What we’re talking about is a lifetime of small, incremental victories versus a lifetime of letdown after letdown, all in the hopes of a single moment of vindication. Any psychologist will tell you that the healthier path is the one that rewards you constantly, though modestly. When you live in Extremistan, you’ve got more than just probability working against you. Let’s say you do succeed and your life changes, what then? Suddenly, your standard for success has risen and now even the tiny victories are unsatisfying. We all know how this feels; we get what we want and we still want more. Even a repeat is disappointing if it doesn’t top what you achieved before. The path through Extremistan is not for the pleasure seeker, but for the dreamer.
How do we apply these ideas to our lives? I’ve done so by mixing both worlds together. I consider myself a writer and my goal is to be paid to write my own topics (enough to live comfortably), but I know that the chances of this are low — very low. It is a life of constant output with little to no feedback and, so far, superficial success (I’ve gotten a few articles on the front page of Digg and Reddit, I’ve even been on the radio to talk about one, but I have not earned a penny from any of it, nor has my blog maintained the initial burst of traffic provided by these successes). I retain my motivation by seeking validation in other areas. I have a day job that provides me with a means to earn and save money consistently. I also have taken up rock climbing, an activity in which I see improvements in both my physique and my technique that please me every day. While this may not sound like such a radical life, that is part of my point. You don’t need to martyr yourself for your lofty dreams, and you don’t have to settle for a boring existence.
Find the balance that works for you. Some people need to devote their life to a single goal, others juggle many balls at once. Then there are those of us who are happy to live in a hut by the beach, catching our own food in the ocean and ending every day with a sunset over the water. What worked for me was understanding the potential of the activities I got involved in and reconciling that with the dreams that drive me. Now that I’ve decided what I want to do, the next step is actually doing it. I’ll let you know how that turns out.
This post is part of a series on personal development, career and identity. It’s not about who you want to be when you grow up, but being who you ARE. The key is to find out your true calling and passions and then figuring out how to live it. We all have stories to share, and I want to hear yours. If you’d like to guest blog for the Panda, please submit to floreta@solitarypanda.com.
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Maria has many hobbies and interests and especially is into Tae Kwon Do. We were guest bloggers in a “Tough Girl” series about martial arts together for one of our blog friends. And she has something I aspire to have: a black belt! Read on for Maria’s take on career and identity. I couldn’t relate more!.
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I couldn’t agree more with Floreta that growing up and finding a job is just being who we are, not what we want to be.
When I was a kid I used to play with my best friend Danny on his swing set. We’d sit side by side on the swings and while we pumped our legs to get our momentum going, we would laugh and scream out all the things we would be when we grew up.
“Cop”
“Veterinarian”
“Teacher”
“Writer”
“Movie Star”
“Singer”
“Paramedic” (though I think we called it ambulance person)
The truth is I really did want to be all those things. I thought I’d love working and I could do multiple jobs in a day. It was idealistic, but looking back I realize that I am meant to be a jack of all trades, master of none.
My attention span is limited. I want my job to be exciting and be constantly learning. It’s hard to find a job that lets me do this. I think I’ll spend most of my life discovering new things. If this means never getting to be CEO or Director, I’m ok with that.
I’m not ambitious in the sense I need to make 6 figures a year. Of course it would be nice, but it’s not a necessity. I truly believe in working to live, not living to work.
I don’t have just one passion. I have a million passions that surface at one time or another. Sometimes it’s multiple things at once, other times it’s one thing until it fades into another.
I’ll never be a professional anything. I’ll be an amateur until that job bores me and I will move onto the next thing. I’m still calling out things I can still possibly be.
And I take no shame in that.
This post is part of a series on personal development, career and identity. It’s not about who you want to be when you grow up, but being who you ARE. The key is to find out your true calling and passions and then figuring out how to live it. We all have stories to share, and I want to hear yours. If you’d like to guest blog for the Panda, please submit to floreta@solitarypanda.com.
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Emily has a really inspiring story and I’m glad that she can share it here with you all. She is one of those people you can genuinely say turned her life around and is living proof that you can take control of your life and change it. She has a loyal following and amazing community on her blog, emily-jane.net.
First of all, before I begin, I’d love to say how happy I am to be guest posting for the lovely Floreta. We’ve only been blog-friends for a little while, but she’s got such big dreams, and such determination, and I’m incredibly excited to hear all about the amazing adventures she’ll have on her travels throughout the year!
When I read the topic of this little series, I was intrigued. Growing up: “it’s not about who you want to be when you grow up, but being who you ARE.” This immediately hit home because throughout 2009, for the first time in all my 24 years I began to question my sense of identity. Who I was didn’t line up with the person I wanted to be. There was a huge discrepancy – I’d, up until then, lived my life according to what I’d been told while growing up. I was told I had to be a professional teacher, or doctor, or something that involved at least five years of schooling and made a minimum of $50k a year. I remember my parents asking me at age 16 what I wanted to be, and I answered: “in advertising or design.” I had a huge passion for creativity, loved to write, draw and make things, and the idea seemed so exciting to me. But it was shot down, and I felt like if I attempted anything other than my parents’ ideas of what I should be doing, it wasn’t going to be good enough.
So I put my love of reading and writing into English literary studies instead, with the hopes of becoming a teacher, only to drop out in my second year due to lack of funds, relationship drama in my first year of moving out, and my growing fear of being in front of people. I was petrified every time I had to get up in front of my classes and do a presentation, a fear that was only exacerbated by my thoughts of becoming a teacher. I took some “time off” to really figure out what it was I wanted to do – time off which ended up being slightly more permanent, during which time I found employment at a print and design studio, and developed my skills in graphics, and – you got it – advertising. It was a dream – I got to do something new every day, learn new skills without paying thousands of dollars, and really satisfy my craving for creativity. It was a great job, and ultimately led me to where I am now – in charge of advertising, design and marketing for an amazing workplace.
But I’m getting ahead of myself. My early twenties were rife with a series of very unfortunate events. My parents split up, I entered into a couple of long-term, serious relationships only to be dumped by one from halfway around the world, and taken for a fool by another who promised me the world initially, only to progress into pathological lies, drug use, and abuse. By the end of it, I was a wreck – I’d been so naïve and insecure in myself that I’d hung on to the people I thought were the only ones that thought I was worth anything, and when it all went wrong, I was a mess. My self-confidence had been destroyed, and I’d grown to believe I was no good for anybody, doomed to relationship failure, and not worth anything to the world. My social anxiety grew along with my self-doubts, and I ended up living a shell of an existence, too afraid to venture out into the world and plagued by detrimental thoughts.
Then came along my now-fiancé, who I must’ve put through hell in the first few months of our dating; I didn’t believe anyone could actually think I was beautiful, talented, or worth anything – I certainly didn’t believe it myself, and for the longest time I was the product of my past. I believed everything everyone had ever told me about what I “should” be, and what I “couldn’t” do. After a while, it became too much – and I declared, in a fit of tears, that I was done with it. I wanted to take everything I didn’t like about myself or the way I thought, or lived my life – and change it.
I wanted to be happy, and believe I deserved to be so. I wanted to get past my fear of being in front of people for fear of judgment, and become comfortable in the spotlight – maybe I could end up teaching after all, and make some sort of positive contribution to the world. I wanted to feel comfortable in my own skin, and not see a million things I wish were different every time I looked in the mirror. I wanted to be successful on my own terms – learn what I wanted to learn, and find the jobs I wanted to do. They may not be the greatest paying jobs in the world, but I wanted to do what made me happy.
So I set about doing it immediately. Every time I was asked out with friends, I’d go despite my fears of what others might think. In meetings, I voluntarily contributed opinions, without worrying they might sound stupid. I asked my boss if I could start teaching – the thought terrified me, but my request was granted, and with practice, being in front of people is becoming easier. And instead of feeling nobody cares, as a result of the last X amount of years’ worth of negative reinforcement, I started putting time and effort into reforming friendships – and I now feel valued, and respected.
It’s so easy in a world that’s so quick to judge, to succumb to it and believe everything negative we’re ever told. But in my experience, you don’t have to become a product of your past. If your heart leads you in another direction, or if you want to be a stronger, better person – the power lies within you to go ahead and defy everything. Finding my identity took a lot of soul-searching and a lot of pushing myself out of my comfort zone, but with the support of my friends, my boy, and especially bloggers – I think I’m closer than I ever have been to being exactly where I want to be. Your past doesn’t hold any power over your future if you decide not to let it.
Dream big – and then do everything you can to get there. It’ll be the best decision you may ever make.
Find me over at http://emily-jane.net or @fuchsiag – I’d love to hear your stories!
This post is part of a series on personal development, career and identity. It’s not about who you want to be when you grow up, but being who you ARE. The key is to find out your true calling and passions and then figuring out how to live it. We all have stories to share, and I want to hear yours. If you’d like to guest blog for the Panda, please submit to floreta@solitarypanda.com.
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Christina is an entrepreneur and blogs at thesavvygrad.com. When she answered my call to response I was honored to have her and felt her website content fit very well with the theme of this series. If you’re interested in any helpful tips or tricks and like what you read here, read her at The Savvy Grad!
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As a child I was business minded, always seeking out the next opportunity to make some money and start something on my own. Instead of having a lemonade stand like the other kids on the block I was mixing it up with root beer float stands. You could find me on weekends at the park down the street selling peanuts and soda to the fans of the baseball games, and if you lived in my neighborhood you probably had a subscription to the Corona Weekly, our weekly newspaper of events and stories. Today I am a serial entrepreneur with two businesses under my belt, and more to come in the future. From my experience I agree that it is not who you want to be when you grow up but more about being who you are.
Many of you may struggle to accept this theory as relates back to the philosophical question of fate vs determinism. On one hand it is comforting to know that we will be who we are ment to be no matter what we do, but on the other hand it is scary to know that we are out of control when it comes to deciding who we are. But before you let your fear take over and you start to panic, let me suggest that both fate and self determinism exist simultaneously. Fate takes you where you are supposed to be, the fork in the road persay, and then you must take it from there and determine which path you are going to take. Now that you are beginning to get on board with this theory it is time to learn how to harness its power and use it to your advantage.
Step 1: Discovering who you are
This is the hardest and most challenging part of the entire process as it asks you to answer the question some people spend their whole lives trying to answer. This step cannot be accomplished in one action but it can be started with a simple personality test. Strengtshfinder 2.0 is a unique personality test that yields your top 5 inherent strengths. It is based on the theory that you are born with a specific set of strengths that do not evolve that much as you grow older. It helps you discover your inherent strengths and teaches you how to leverage those strengths to be the most successful you.
Step 2: Identify your passions
By answering a few simple questions you will have a better idea of what you are truly passionate about.
- What puts a smile on your face?
- What do you find easy?
- What sparks your creativity?
- What would you do for free?
- What do you like to talk about?
- What makes you unafraid of failure?
- What would you regret not having tried?
Step 3: Put it to work
Now comes the part you need to spend some time thinking and reflecting on. How can you combine your strengths with your true passions to make your dream career? Here are a few more questions to help spark the ideas in your mind.
- How does your passion impact the lives of others?
- Is there a need that could be filled by your passion?
- How could your passion help to simplify a process?
- What organization’s or companies share your passion?
This post is part of a series on personal development, career and identity. It’s not about who you want to be when you grow up, but being who you ARE. The key is to find out your true calling and passions and then figuring out how to live it. We all have stories to share, and I want to hear yours. If you’d like to guest blog for the Panda, please submit to floreta@solitarypanda.com.
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Ashley blogs at Germato.com and she answered my call to response in a 20sb group about the quarter-life crisis. I love Ashley’s positive outlook on life (live as if you were dying; AKA: live life to the fullest!) and I’m glad I could find her and her blog and look forward to getting to know her through the blogging community!
10 Year Olds Know A Lot More Than I’d Like to Think
When I was younger, I knew two things. I was going to be a veterinarian when I grew up and my best friend at the time was going to be my best friend forever. Little did I know, forever meant until she moved to Alaska. And watching animals die? Not something I handled with a lot of class. As I grew older, it was less about what I thought I knew and more about what I was being told to know.
Careers like lawyers and doctors were pushed while I doodled and wrote poetry. Math was encouraged and art was ignored. High school became the breeding ground for what my parents thought I was supposed to become. Not what I wanted to become. I didn’t know what that was at that point, but I did know it wasn’t what they wanted. I was just following their footsteps and I saw how unhappy they were at times. So I jumped ship.
After high school I didn’t go to college right away. I spent time working and traveling a bit instead. I finally decided to go back, over a year after, only to last two semesters at a technical school. It was too time consuming while I was working a full-time job. That full-time job was less-than-satisfactory, but it paid the bills. It had become my life. School was not an option. Becoming more than a replaceable office worker was not an option. Until I realized I wasn’t happy.
Maybe I had covered it up. Maybe I wanted so desperately to be happy that I ignored when I wasn’t. Or maybe I just wasn’t ready to handle the truth. Whatever the case, I went back to the years I was convinced I was just too naïve. I went back to the things I’d given up. I went back to finding out who I was, not who everyone else wanted me to be.
So I began writing again. Drawing again. Doing all of the things that allowed me to express myself again. I got lost in books and fell asleep with a pen in hand more often than not. I still had a job that was ill-fitting. And there was still little time for college. But life had improved tremendously. My free time was spent doing the things that made me who I was. I was no longer pretending to be something, or someone, I was not.
That eventually led to my decision to reenroll in college. I opted for an online school for a degree in Environmental Management. I wanted to change the world. I remember telling everyone what I picked and the dumbfounded stares I received in response. I felt like I had to explain my decision, but never did. It was justified in my heart and I finally realized that was all that mattered.
Which brings me to today. I blog to feed my writing interest and doodle during meetings at a different, but still less-than-satisfactory job. Still pursuing that degree — hoping that I’ll graduate with a BA, or even an MBA, and somehow, change the world in some tiny form. Fulfilling the shoes of a lawyer or a doctor has never been further out of my mind.
This post is part of a series on personal development, career and identity. It’s not about who you want to be when you grow up, but being who you ARE. The key is to find out your true calling and passions and then figuring out how to live it. We all have stories to share, and I want to hear yours. If you’d like to guest blog for the Panda, please submit to floreta@solitarypanda.com.
