16:
Recently, I shaved my head. What I neglected to mention was how hard it was to do it! First, I got a passive aggressive “no” from the monks and fa shi (teacher) from the temple. I finally realized why look for approval and validation for a hair cut choice when you are your own master of your life? Something Buddhism teaches. I knew I needed to let go and detach myself from any outside opinions and criticisms. I knew that by shaving my head, I was actually practicing Buddhism Dharma teachings of non-attachment or detachment in the best way I knew how in this moment! Booyah, Buddhism!
The first two barber shops refused to shave my head. It was wild, and I guess it didn’t help that my already softspoken voice was extra quiet and timid. I didn’t come in with conviction but they referred me to another shop around the corner. To my delight, the person shaving my head was a ladyboy! An irony since we were both participating in gender bending. What I would like to do but probably never do is get some tasteful nudes taken of me with a shaved head, because androgyny is fun and sexy with feminine boobies (unless you have manboobs, in which case, I’m sorry).
That’s not the point of this post, though. The point is, even though I shaved my head, I won’t be turning into a monk anytime soon (or, ever), or joining the military (I mean com’n. What kind of monk poses nude?). While this monastery retreat is NOT monastic training, it does give us a shallow glimpse into monastic way of life and culture. I’m surprised and delighted to find that some of my co-learners are set on becoming a monk, have thought about becoming a monk, or are making the important decision soon enough. The beauty of gathering 12 people together to learn about Buddhism is that we all have our own unique goals, mindsets, temperaments and cultures. For me, I’d rather take my samsara (suffering) cycle and embrace my layperson life. Guys are worth the suffering; the manic ecstacy and depression. Detachment from suffering, emotions, life, seems like a life not worth living. Some of my most profound moments have happened at my lowest times. The ability to go through failures, mistakes, rough times is actually a stasis for growth. For me, the beauty of life is the layperson life, but for some, who aren’t interested in wordly affairs and carnal pleasures, monkhood would be a great path. For a girl who writes erotica in her free time (or more like: thinks about writing it and attempts to but never starts or finishes), it’s not the life for me.
What is the life for me?
Kirsty asked what my 10 year goal was, and I let it sit in the back of my head to be answered later. The downside of living life in the moment, wherever the wind blows me, and flying by the seat of my pants is that I hardly have any real plans or goals. I have “ideas”, not goals. Goals intimidate me, but ideas are free; able to percolate and come into fruition in their own time.
The truth is, I don’t have a 10 year plan, or goal. I can’t live my life that linearly. I refuse to. Why give myself expectations that will only disappoint and try to build a constricting frame that might not fit? I’d rather be an open canvas! My 10 year idea is pretty simple and only consists of two major things.
Family Building and Solopreneurship
I can’t be a monk because I DO have some “traditional” ideas of family. While I make it a point to seem inherently non-traditional, I’m actually quite conservative when it comes to relationships and family. I don’t believe in divorce, and consequentially, I’m not quite sure I believe in marriage either (though I DO believe in gay marriage and feel that it will revive the institution but that’s beside the point). The reasons I’m single is that I couldn’t be bothered with frivolous dating or hookup culture. I feel that if I’m going to be with someone, it better be someone I feel I could have longterm potential with. I’ll try not to fit square pegs in round holes if that’s not the case, but I’m very choosy when it comes to finding partnership. Dating just doesn’t cut it for me, or even looking. Still, I’d love to have a family, someday, in its own time.
The balance between being career driven and family oriented is a hard one. In one extreme, as the stay-at-home mom, I feel you run the risk of losing yourself and on the other extreme, you won’t be able to give the love and attention that a child needs if you start a family. I am willing to lose myself in being a mother but I’m also willing to find myself and rediscover what I can offer. Being a solopreneur not only makes traveling and working from anywhere easier, it could also feasibly make raising a child at home easier as well! I’ve tried being the career woman. I learned after college and two professional jobs as a graphic designer that working “in the rat race” and “Corporate America” or “working for the man” was not who I was or am meant to be. It sucked the life out of me.
How can I do this better?
I’m still trying to find this out. In reality, career development is the area I feel least confident in. I guess I’m hoping this travel journey will help me figure it out along the way. I know I’m lost, but for once, I don’t want to be found! I’m having a pretty great time exploring and having fun. Future? Anxiety? Puh-lease! I’ve been entertaining the idea of traveling for several years and being a “professional nomad”; working along the way. Wouldn’t it be romantic if I found a nomadic adventurer willing to rule the world with me? No expectations, but I can dream right?
My “traditional” family won’t be living in a house with a picket fence. I’ll blaze my trail and find my own tradition. Here’s a hint: I already am.
18:
I first found Colin on an interview I read which was linked on Brazen Careerist. I found out that he owns a multidisciplinary design studio based in Los Angeles and is living the location independent lifestyle by keeping his business up while traveling to different foreign countries and blogging about it at exilelifestyle.com. I silently stalked read and admired his blog from afar, but it wasn’t until I posted my first comment that a prompt appeared to send him a personal message, reach out and say “Hi”, and I decided to formally introduce myself. What resulted was back and forth emails and his willingness to guest blog for me. I am deeply honored to have him here.
* * *
The Origin
Growing up, I had all kinds of super powers.
Some days I could travel through time. Other days I could start fires with my mind. There were some days when I could even climb up walls, shoot webs from my wrists and had the strength, speed and agility of a spider (okay, so I wasn’t always the most original or copyright-respecting tyke).
The point is that as a kid I was gaga for comic books.
I had a pile of the little tomes a mile high in my closet, each one telling the story of characters who, though luck, coincidence or the application of massive amounts of effort were able to achieve extraordinary things; beating the bad guy, saving the world, and inspiring others to do the same. These costumed heroes brought people together and made them think, even though they weren’t always popular.
For the longest time I intended to be a comic book illustrator for a living. I checked out schools (Minnesota, I believe, has a really good school for this particular occupational path) and did the math. It wasn’t super-expensive to go to school to learn how to make comic books, but it didn’t pay much once you got into the real world, either.
The Turning Point
By the time I was done with high school, my plans had changed somewhat and I prepared myself to attend the Art Institute in Chicago. Unfortunately, it costs a ridiculous amount of money to attend an AI school, so I decided to take my first year at a regional college, Southwest Missouri State, to save money while completing my core classes.
It was at this school that I discovered an entirely new set of super powers that I never knew existed when I was a kid.
I went to SMSU to be an art student. I had a vague notion that I would become a sketch artist and painter, drawing people on the streets of Paris for ramen money and living the life of a social underling, vying for scraps among the other vagabonds and art school graduates.
But then I found out about an entirely different field; one in which I could create art without being poor. Design, they called it, and I was just intrigued enough by the concept to switch departments and see what it was all about.
And it was at this moment that my life changed. I had a real flair for design from the beginning, and while learning the software and getting acquainted with the terminology and history of design, I felt like a concert pianist running his hands along the ivories of a grand piano after a lifetime of using a Casio keyboard. This was ME. How did I not know about this?
The Return
In a lot of ways, discovering design brought my life full-circle. When I was a child I had hoped to be like the comic book heroes I admired so much, and here was the means to do so.
As a designer, I built my studio through luck, coincidence and a lot of hard work. Communication is my business, and by conveying the right idea, one can change the world for the better, take down those who would oppress and inspire others to take up their own campaigns against injustice.
I may not be able to start fires with my mind, but I can light sparks in the minds of others, opening up new worlds and spreading knowledge with a flick of my wrist or a click of my mouse.
THIS is what I wanted: to have the power to make change and inspire others to be remarkable.
Now all I need to do is find some spandex that matches my cape.
This post is part of a series on personal development, career and identity. It’s not about who you want to be when you grow up, but being who you ARE. The key is to find out your true calling and passions and then figuring out how to live it. We all have stories to share, and I want to hear yours. If you’d like to guest blog for the Panda, please submit to floreta@solitarypanda.com.
16:
I didn’t have time to write a proper “goodbye” but I am not a proper girl. I don’t like going away parties or hoorah. I like to leave quietly. I am leaving on a jet plane to India, so I have kindly invited an awesome line of guest bloggers to occupy my space until I arrive to the Philippines on February 7th, at which time I shall conclude on my own take of the prompt.
Today’s guest is Justin. He’s an excellent writer with an artistic and creative spark and a self-proclaimed “mad scientist”. I first found him on the popular social network, 20sb. Being one of a few active male members got my attention and I was impressed with his writing style. I’d suggest reading his prose at The Freshest Oat; you won’t be disappointed.
* * *
REDEFINING THE VOLATILE ME
Where did it all begin? In my eclectic collection of early memories, one could never forget the nickname my dad had given me: Justin Combustion. It may have been my explosive personality as a child, or maybe he just so happened to work in an HVAC design facility and the first thing to come to mind that rhymed with Justin was combustion. I would later in life take this name again, only flipped to Combustion Justin while working with children for Mad Science as a mad scientist! I loved when the kids would ask what combustion meant, and then watching as their eyes lit up, some of the boys usually saying “coool”.
A polaroid was taken. Me standing there bashful with my math hair wearing a lab coat behind test-tubes filled with green water. As a fourth grader, my career of choice was to be a nuclear physicist. I already knew about subatomic particles, fission and fusion. I knew what a reactor was and I also knew that nuclear warfare looked cool. Most of the people around me couldn’t even pronounce nuclear, mistaking it with the atrocious nucular.
I was never pushed into law or medicine or music. But one year I decided I was tired of not being able to play the piano like the other kids, so I got a Yamaha 24-key and started taking piano lessons. A few weeks later my teacher had to have “the talk” with my parents about purchasing a real piano. It is a Kimball upright. Out of tune because I tried to tune it after many years of neglect and the strings keep readjusting.
By the end of high school I was in AP physics, president of National Honors Society, president of Band, I ran cross country, performed in the school musical, and volunteered over 100 logged hours. It was time to make a choice though. Would I pursue a career in music, or would I pursue a career in science.
I flipped a coin.
I graduated from Illinois Wesleyan University in 2003 with a special interdisciplinary major in Biology and Physics. I took trumpet lessons, played in the jazz band, and took piano lessons on the side. It was time to move on through to my aspirations I decided upon in high school – to become a biomedical engineer. I applied to all the top schools in Biomed including Berkeley, Georgia Tech, MIT, Washington University… My first choice was by far Georgia Tech, and when I went to visit I wanted to go there even more. It was March and it was beautiful outside. And the program sounded awesome with a dual degree from Emory University.
So I went on to grad school in a top 5 ranking program, excelling in advanced differential equations, fluid mechanics, physiological systems, etc. But through my coursework and research, the stress, the hours late at night in the lab… During my fourth year I went in for help and within six months wound up in a mental institution. Needless to say, after that my grad school career came to an end. I wrote my thesis back in Illinois and defended for my Master’s the next spring.
I re-identified as Combustion Justin in an odd-job I picked up while job-hunting called Mad Science where I paraded around as a mad scientist and did demonstrations including one that lit the floor of a gymnasium on fire. I did this for a year before I got a job offer as a research technician at Rosalind Franklin University – better known as the Chicago Medical School.
But what’s funny, is that now I’m questioning all the decisions I have made. Am I doing what I really want to be doing, or am I following a silly childhood dream? What is my purpose?
I’ve gone across many floors clad in a lab coat; the person with answers. The smart guy. The guy who will read just to read, experiment with household things, reconstruct home appliances. It’s obvious that that is who I am, so why do I feel so detached?
I look back at my life and can see the bipolar smeared all over it; volatile moods, mania-driven battle-force problem-solving late-night, hell, multiple all-nighters from high school through grad school. I’m just tired. I feel like I have lost the drive within me.
So I journey now forward into the unknown trying to figure out what it is that I am good at. Trying to find the me in me. I have a great list of dislikes but nothing on my list of possibilities. I am completely lost. I am the amnesiac trying to find his car (without a fob). I know it’s out there, I just have to keep looking. It’s just so frustrating to look back at 15 years of preparation for one giant let-down.
But then again, this is who I’ve always been. Justin Combustion, the mad scientist. Destined for greatness… destined for something.
In the polaroid, what radiates the most is the smile. The desire to learn more than anyone else will ever know ever. I walk back with my lab coat dragging on the floor to my seat thinking this will be me in 20 years. And here I am sitting in said lab coat wondering where I’ll be in 20 years.
This post is part of a series on personal development, career and identity. It’s not about who you want to be when you grow up, but being who you ARE. The key is to find out your true calling and passions and then figuring out how to live it. We all have stories to share, and I want to hear yours. If you’d like to guest blog for the Panda, please submit to floreta@solitarypanda.com.
