I’m a (Closet) Freak
So, the fact that I admit to the entire internet (HI!) that I’m a closet freak is pretty much an oxymoron.
It’s like these two superheroes dueling it out, IN ME. I am the superhero. I wear a cape and call myself SuperJanet! This is what I’d tell myself when I was in highschool stressing out about stupid highschool shit. And then I’d make stuff happen and get things done.
SuperJanet.
Anyway. I’m a closet freak. Not to be confused by SUPER freak (*sing* Superfreak!)! I don’t think I’m there yet. I appear sweet and innocent on the exterior. And I am, I guess. I’m pretty prude and puritanical. There’s that side of me. More conservative than most. And I know her quite well. She doesn’t want to have sex unless she’s in a relationship. She thinks anything less is meaningless and unfulfilling. She thinks sex can become needy, unhealthy, suffering. And I get that. I do. This is the side of me that rules… But, there’s this other side of me too. And I don’t know why my writing is becoming so schizo lately. Between Buddha Nature and perfectly at peace with myself there’s this other side…
There’s layers to me. Maybe I’m not willing to give up my walls because I like my layers. I’m complex. You can’t figure me out. I like it that way. I don’t want to be with some dumb little shit. You gotta have at least some intelligence to figure me out.
Beneath my sweet exterior is a bit of a masochist. A girl who likes it rough and tumble. A girl who can take some pain. Who likes girth (and her vibrator collection). Forwards and backwards. Thinks tantric sex is the best spiritual practice ever. Abhors abstinence education. Looks both ways. Loves to give (and swallow). Writes raw, sexual thoughts in her journals that could be starts to erotica stories… Is willing to explore… And is more open to open relationships than she used to think possible.
The conservative in her thinks deep down she’s a monogamous girl… But the masochist in her thinks threesomes could be great as the “third”.
I’m not sure what’s going on. I’m not sure why I’m so confused. With powerful sexual prowess just waiting to explode and shy, timid, submissive Asian ready to live as a spinster. Maybe it has something to do with my unexplored bisexuality. Keeping this side of me so dormant, hidden, for years is strangling my sense of self. Maybe I just need to let loose. Open the floodgates. But, I’m scared. I admit I’m scared.
I’m scared of a lot of things. I’m scared of committing. I’m scared of taking leaps of faith. I’m scared that no matter how “open” I say I am with my sexuality, the actuality is that I’m not. Because I’m all talk and no action. I’ve never had a threesome. I’ve never had casual sex. I’ve never been with a woman. And the thought of that seems wrong. Like it’s OK, even beautiful, for others to be gay, but it’s not OK for me? I don’t know. I talk about it so openly sometimes… But when it comes down to it, I’m scared to be with a woman.
I had a crush on a girl once who rejected me. She said she doesn’t like bisexuals. I got over her and wrote her off as an elitist lesbian, but she had a point. I probably wouldn’t want to go out with anyone who admits they want to “experiment” either, least of all not anyone who admits they’re confused… But it’s not just that. I’m not a casual girl… It scares me to think that I could fall in love with a woman. I’m not sure if I could, but maybe. Is it wrong for me because I’m not actually gay? I feel more straight than gay but with this undiscovered piece of the puzzle, how can I really be so sure? I check out women more than I do men, but I emotionally attach to men more than I do with women… The way that I crush on men is completely different than the way I crush on women, and the way my attraction sticks with men makes me feel I am definitely more hetero inclined.
Sexuality is fluid to me but I am not fluid when it comes to sexuality. Why else would I feel so confused? It’s not just gender. It’s the way I express things. It’s open vs. monogamous. It’s casual vs. serious. It’s friends with benefits vs. coupled. It’s kinky vs. …not kinky. It’s trying to decide where I fit in all of this. It’s being so damn wary to figure any of it out. Thinking maybe the spinster life isn’t so bad after all. It’s easy. Safe. But ultimately less rewarding.
I need to take leaps of faith. I need to go crazy. And I need to come out of the closet.
It’s the only way I can figure myself out.
Leave a Reply
15 Responses to “I’m a (Closet) Freak”
TrackBack URL :
Maybe you’re 50% straight, 30% bisexual and 20% lesbian. Whatever, it doesn’t really matter and I’m not sure spending so long analysing yourself is progressive.
In humans the females tend to be the attractive gender, and the males have to provide everything else (generally speaking). So I don’t think it’s odd girls like yourself find other girls attractive. For comparison in virtually all bird species the males are better looking with more flamboyant feathers and such like and spend their time attracting the females, maybe there are less lesbian birds for this reason as there is less reason to be attracted to them.
Please excuse me if that doesn’t make sense, I don’t know why I’m talking about birds, maybe I’m a freak too.
hmmm if i HAD to try to scale myself in percentages.. i feel maybe 65% straight.. or even 70% and the rest bi.. I don’t really get how I could be a percentage of lesbian since if I like men, it’s going to be bi automatically.. You’re right. Spending a lot of time analyzing myself isn’t very progressive at all.. What’s progressive is if I engaged in some relationships… haha. No?
I agree females are way more attractive than males.. generally. Even ‘straight’ girls would agree to this. But the female body is just aesthetically more beautiful!! And I’m an artist so I appreciate beauty! I love drawing the female form…
I don’t know what birds have to do with it.. I agree male birds are more pretty though.
I don’t really think it’s wrong of me to think women are attractive but when I think about actually doing things physically with them I have mental hangups. Maybe that means I’m actually straight? This is exactly why I hate labels and pinpointing all this because I don’t feel like I’m either straight, OR gay! But I definitely feel I need to explore my sexuality more.. all around!
The dating site OKCupid (which was set up by mathematicians and is very analytical) did an analysis on people who put bisexual as their sexuality. In something like 95% of the cases they all veered to preference to one sex heavily.
Very few were genuinely 50/50 interested in both genders. There was about an even mix on those who claim to be bisexual and either reply to same or opposite gender people.
They measured this by how they replied to people contacting them and who they contacted. The trend was quite consistent and seems to imply that there are actually very few genuine 50%/50% bisexuals with everyone nearly always preferring one gender; whether claiming homosexual, hetrosexual or bisexual. Might be worth looking up as it was an interesting read and might help explain things for you.
I’d class you as straight by with a bi-curious nature from what you’ve written
I don’t follow your final logic on how a spinster’s life is inherently less rewarding — why?
It just sounds like your awareness is increasing (to be expected as you travel and experience new POVs), but your breeding/genetics/upbringing is keeping you under lock and key.
I think almost everyone has such issues. Nurture vs. nature and all that.
If you really want to sleep with a woman, I suspect you WILL — likewise for casual sex and threesomes. Don’t be so concerned with WHEN — just be ready for when the possibility presents itself
logic? this post is supposed to be logical?? maybe a spinster isn’t inherently less rewarding.. but my image of that is like this lonely old woman. i don’t think you need a relationship to be happy, but you’ll have to cultivate a strong sense of community elsewhere. granted, when you’re in a relationship, you STILL have to cultivate strong community in my opinion, because you can’t rely on one person for everything… and you have the personal responsibility to keep your emotional wellbeing in tact… for the good of yourself and the people around you especially your loved ones!! i just still feel that an intimate relationship is something special that you can’t get with a community, and that is just more rewarding somehow, because it can teach you more things about yourself? although everyone you encounter can teach you about yourself.. so i guess i shouldn’t “rate” that effectiveness.. i’m rambling, but i guess i’m just a ROMANTIC!
how is “maybe casual sex is good!” an increase in awareness? i say my ex ruined me in that regard.. and i don’t get my “logic” in the end either. because i justify all this including casual sex as needing to “figure myself out” but in actuality, i KNOW casual sex isn’t as good without the emotional and spiritual connection type of sex. since i’ve experienced that before i don’t want any less for myself. i can’t.. though maybe what’s increasing is the view that casual sex could ALSO have emotional and spiritual connection too.. because ultimately those feelings and connections aren’t bound to statuses and formalities.
Well, sex is sex. It’s fun and enjoyable in and of itself. Yes, it can be better or worse depending on circumstance, but that doesn’t make casual sex inherently _bad_. How do you KNOW that casual sex isn’t ‘as good’ without emotional/spiritual connections?
Does the same thing apply to food? Travel? Are they better or worse without emotional/spiritual connections?
I think it’s a bit unfair (to yourself) to elevate sex to some kind of divine echelon of experience.
you have a point..
but i’ve had sex with that connection and i’ve had sex when that connection is gone. there’s a big difference. sex without the emotional intimacy just isn’t as good to me.
but, i’m a GIRL!
You definitely need to come out of the closet & “experiment” coz otherwise how else would you really know? There was a time when I thought I was a lesbian just cause I found women to be so much more attractive than men and sometimes I would even fantasize about them. Then when a girl tried to kiss me, I was so uncomfortable and just completely froze. If I can’t even get pass that, then there was no way that I could do or be anything more with a woman.
yes exactly.. i need to figure out my comfort levels. i did kiss a girl once and that was nice… i wanted more. lol. so that takes care of that. then again, i’ve had lesbian dreams about my friends and woke up horrified.. i even had an opportunity with one of my good friends that i turned down because the thought of it grossed me out! so i have no clue, really.. other than maybe she wasn’t my “type”. ;P
It sounds like you’re right there on the edge, all you have left to do is leap. Throw yourself in and soak up everything, all the good and bad and potential crazy along the way. It’s the only way we ever learn who we truly are
you’re right about that! i just need some opportunities..
and this is veiled.. i guess i do have some opportunities.. not necessarily with women, but other things as well.. i just need to take things one step at a time.
still searching . . . ?
hey, keep on keepin’ on,
a pleasure to stop by
.
.ero
Hi ero..
nice to see you again
yes, of course.. still searching.
i’m a truth seeker..
i agree with you that a person sometimes need to be “crazy” to figure out oneself…though i haven’t done that yet!
i’m being “crazy” in other ways.. namely, travel