THE SOLITARY PANDA

How To Be a Slacker

Out of all the things I’m good at, I’m best at slacking. You know what I’m doing now? You guessed it. Slacking. Sure, I’m writing a blog post, which should be a sense of accomplishment since I’ve been slacking on that too, and I need to step it up on my blog again. But the reality is, I’m putting off something else. There’s always “something else” that I’m not doing and could/should be doing.

Slacking. It can be quite useful when you’re funemployed. But it might get you fired if you do have a job. In the hustle and bustle of the real world, I say, It’s good to be lazy every now and then! You need time to breathe, relax, and jerk slack off! Your body needs it. Your sanity needs it. And even your momma needs it. Not funny? Whatever.

I truly didn’t intend to make this a euphemism for masturbation but that’s kinda how I work, I guess. I just wanted this to be a cute, tongue-in-cheek entry and not necessarily in a pornographic way (Tongue-in-cheek…entry! Get it? Har. Har.). How to be a slacker is more than just porn, although that’s certainly a contributing factor! Here are my top ten ways to be a slacker.

1. More porn. Duh. I love porn. AND I’m a feminist! A sex-positive feminist who thinks more porn will do a body good. As opposed to milk. Although that could be hot. Ever seen a live cam girl pour milk all over her body? I have. For free. Suckas! (Note: Sucking is hot too. For free.)
2. Take a walk. Although this might seem like the complete opposite, most BORING thing ever as compared to porn, it actually works. It helps clear the mind, letting you refuel for more creative genius to rape your ego flow into your life in the form of: A-ha! (And not the 80s one-hit-wonder) I love this SO much that I’m going to take a 280km (that’s about 173 miles for you dumb Americans. It’s OK, I had to look it up too. Touché.) walk on the tropical island which inspired “The Beach” just to overdo myself and become an EPIC slacker.
3. Surf the internet. Surfing the internet (and NOT just porn sites because social media is now more popular than porn, thank you, but just as flagellating) is pretty much what I do all day. Is it unproductive? Maybe. But amidst this unproductivity is a sliver of information (through osmosis) that might be useful someday, stirring ideas and inspiration in a sort of brainstorming process.
4. Eat. Emotional eating is where it’s at. Just don’t get too fat. Especially if you want to look good naked. So you can fuck like a porn star. Wink.
5. Take yourself out. Dating yourself is the most awesome thing ever because it’s so liberating. Empowering. Do something fun to ease your mind off of stress. Try something new. Shake things up. Self-dates nurture your creativity.
6. Pull an all-nighter. Jack yourself up on caffeine and energy drinks and get ready to work on your last-minute project. The result of which could either be your most glorious work, if you’re into running on adrenaline and pulling an “A” out of your ass, OR a half-assed “E” for effort.
7. Sleep. I’ve covered eating, so now lets take a nap! Isn’t it funny how two most basic needs can go hand in hand with being a slacker? What does that say about society? Who always wants to do more, bigger, better, faster? Or religion? Who teaches us that things like gluttony and laziness are bad? Should I feel guilty for taking the time to rest my body? It’s a basic need for crying out loud! Thus concludes: religion is silly.
8. Daydream. Daydreaming is what you get in trouble for doing at school. But my mind always wanders off. Half the time I’m living life in my own little daydream. And you know what? I love it. I love being a space-cadette because I’m Interplanet Janet! Daydreaming is one of the keys to creativity. You can’t go wrong.
9. Meditate. I just came out of a four month Buddhist monastery program where we meditated every day for half an hour. It’s good shit. So good that I really miss it and need it back in my life. Meditation helps you calm, balance and face the day. I solve problems in my head, brainstorm, and think of old forgotten memories that surprise me all while meditating. If you’ve ever seen I Heart Huckabees and how random images fragment and defragment, it’s kind of like that.
10. Live on a tropical island. Every day is a vacation on a tropical island paradise! Things are slower-paced here and laziness is part of the culture. Soak in the sun and live, laugh, love.

Being a slacker doesn’t have to mean being unproductive. The western world puts a lot of emphasis and value on productivity but there needs to be a balance between work and stasis too. Rest can be just as productive as work, as your body, mind, and spirit need to recharge. Empty the cup before you can fill it.