Mute
OK. So I feel constipated again. Emotionally. Or whatever. And my blog sucks with that kind of thing because blog articles are just different. They can’t be mind dumps. I mean, maybe they can be. But not the kind of blog I have. Ugh. I almost wish it was web 1.0 again when blogs WERE just mind dumps and no one cared. But now, it has to be something polished and nice. It has to be engaging. You have to think about your audience. Whatever. I wasn’t even going to talk about bloggging. So I should stop now. On to the next topic…
What was I going to write about? I want to write about so much I don’t even know where to start. This is one of those FUCK ME IN THE ASS WITH A SPOON moments. It’s my own phrase I made up. I like it. You can’t steal it. You can’t steal the spoon, either. There is no spoon.
Fuck. See this isn’t what I was going to write about either. Matrix. WTF? Drivel. Just useless drivel. I’m being a dumbass. I’m just prolonging and avoiding what I want to write about. Because that’s what I do. OK. So lets cut through this bullshit. I need a therapist. Lets just get that straight. I miss having a therapist and I fucking need another therapist. That’s the one thing that sucks about third world countries. There are NO therapists! And despite how HAPPY I proclaim to be at this point of my life, and I am. I’m fucking happy. I really am. No joke. Despite all that though, I STILL feel like I need a therapist. Why? Needing a therapist isn’t admitting that you’re fucking messed up. But, maybe I am. Needing a therapist just means you’ve got some shit that you’d like sorted out in your head.
I’ve got some shit that I’d like sorted out in my head. I guess that’s the point of this entry. What shit?
If we go deep deep deep, I’ve always been an introvert. Maybe partly by personality and partly because I’m an only child. It’s been hard. I always wanted a brother or sister for Christmas, not one of those cool, fancy new toys. Yeah, I admit I wanted a playmate in the form of sibling. But it’s not like I didn’t have any friends. There were neighbor boys. Or girls. I became friends with one kid named Brent because he shared my last name, and wasn’t that something? We’d play dominoes together. He’d visit his grandma or maybe it was his babysitter that was my neighbor. I don’t know. He was around a lot.
I don’t really want to drivel on about my childhood. But suffice it to say, I was shy. Painfully shy. The kind of shy where I was basically mute. Even in highschool, despite how hard I tried to “grow out of my shell” and become a “social butterfly”, the thought of speaking to boys made my hands sweat, my heart pump louder, and my mouth dry. And that was EVEN if I found them fucking horrible to look at. Meaning, it could be ANY male species and not just someone I thought was hot or had a crush on at the moment. Anyway, that fucking sucked.
I’ve tried all my life basically to “grow out of my shell”. I’m an adult now. I’m almost 30. All of a sudden, I’m in my “late twenties”. That kind of shit just creeps up on you. It’s not that I’m dreading 30. I’m actually looking forward to the 30s. Two words. SEXUAL PEAK! There will be a lot of “making love” in my 30s. I can guarantee you that. Fuck yeah!
But, the thing about 30 is, I’m an ADULT now. And the farther away I am from my 20s, the more “adult” life just seems to get. You have no excuses anymore. You can’t act like a dumb little shit because you’re 20. That may have been cool when you were 20, and the 20s afford you those little mistakes and “lessons”. And it’s not like you have to be PERFECT in your 30s. I’m not saying that. There are still a lot of dumb people in their 30s, 40s, 50s, and beyond. I don’t know. I guess I’m just saying you have to own yourself a bit more though. And my entire childhood was spent in depression and angst and being a “victim” which is entirely immature pre-fabricated mind shit. A change of perspective would do me good and NOW. Now I don’t even sweat when I talk to guys. I’m not nervous. And I know how to carry on a conversation, for the most part (I won’t lie that I can still seem socially awkward). I LIKE meeting new people. Life is peachy and I’m no longer a victim, but the master of my own destiny. No, I haven’t been reading self-help books. OK, maybe I’ve been reading new-agey books. Which is probably even worst.
Fuck being a victim. Being in the temple, I feel like a new woman. One of the monks pulled me aside one day and said I needed to “talk more”. That I needed to spread my joy and friendliness. That I’m a nice girl, a good girl. But I just needed to share. Quit hiding behind my walls. Because essentially, there’s nothing to hide. It got to me a bit. It reminded me of those mute days. And how far I still need to go, I guess. How much I still need to just LET GO. All that emotional baggage. I need to stop carrying it now. But whatever. I’ll take that not as a downer, but as something positive. I’ve got a lot to give, and YES, I want to share. I’m reborn now. It’s so cliche, but it’s true. I’ve come a long way.
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18 Responses to “Mute”
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I’m actually 25 in less than 2 weeks time. So all of a sudden my early 20s have ended and mid 20s is the youngest I can claim to be. I feel your pain when we’re fast approaching an age where the only thing we can do and still be classed as young now is die. :s
wow, that’s a morbid thought!! I never thought of it that way…
25 was a good age for me though. It was when I finally started to take the steps to change my life and dump my boyfriend.
Sure, it was a fucking heartpain, but it was the first step to the path I’m on now and I’m loving it!
Hey man, nothing wrong with web 1.0 type posts. As you have sort of proven today.
haha, aww just sort of?
my posts have been weird and disjointed lately and definitely a little more 1.0.
I definitely agree that your thirties are when you stop making excuses for yourself and your life (and consequently when others do too — your thirties is when people kind of stop being sympathetic to your situation if your situation still sucks and you’re still complaining).
I’ve found that the 30′s have another brand of angst all its own. It isn’t that self-indulgent the-whole world revolves-around-me-and-my pain angst that sometimes comes with being in your twenties. The angst is more about what you feel you haven’t accomplished yet and think you should (careers, relationships, kids, mortgages, all that crap). Or none of that crap, if you realize it doesn’t connect with who you are.
Ultimately, all the decades of our lives are really just opportunities to learn who we really are and what we want out of life. Owning your shit just makes that process easier.
Yeah, as you grow older, you gotta start owning your shit!! It definitely makes the journey easier, and it’s part of being an adult, i think. The further away my “childhood” is getting, the more I realize I just need to let that go. But sometimes its hard not to have that still affect who you are as an adult! I guess I can relate to the 30s angst.. or how you say it will be like. There definitely seem to be ‘milestones’ in life that if you don’t reach by a certain age, people start to question and think of you as different. It sucks. That’s why I hate the traditional path so-so much and I’m a traveler. None of that crap connects with me, but it still doesn’t make it easier to figure out what DOES then… I wouldn’t mind being a lifelong nomad.. but as we touched a bit on twitter, I think I’d want a person to call home… Or have multiple places/home bases I could always go back to, but be a traveler the majority of the time. Or a combination of both..
yeah, being judged by meeting or not meeting those traditional milestones sucks, especially when you’re the only one you know not interested in meeting them. everyone i know is getting married, having kids, and buying homes. it’s pretty isolating really. i have no interest in any of that. still trying to figure it all out like you. guess i’m a late, late bloomer!
being a lifelong nomad sounds so much more appealing than settling down somewhere. it’s like, why would you want to follow just one path, when you can follow many? why settle for living in just one country your whole life when you could learn more by living in many? I just see it all as pretty limiting. and i hate limits!
sounds like you’re on you’re way though…best of luck to you!
From what limited info I have about you and that is mainly this blog post you don’t seem to need a therapist. Just sayin’!
awww well thank you, jRo! Whoever you are
Thanks for your comment.
Therapists aren’t JUST for the crazies tho..
Everytime I’ve had a therapist I’ve been non-medicated. But you’re right in some respects.. Some of the best (and cheaper) therapists are just friends! I think I need more close friends like that in my life. I guess I don’t really have any. Which is why it makes sense that I want a therapist..
I wholeheartedly agree that therapists are not just for the crazies…I’ve seen a couple therapists in my life but only for a month or two. Maybe you just need to see your hairdresser or get your nails done more often. Probably cheaper than a therapist and you get the same service except for the meds! just kidding, sort of…
yeah my therapy sessions haven’t been longer than a year… usually shorter. haha, yeah i actually hate going to the hairdressers because they talk to you! you’re expected to make small talk and i’m just no good at it
fuck yeah, share more! blog more and celebrate more, dude.
and just so you know, if you need a therapist, i’m the go-to girl of people who are looking for stuff (and services) i’m sure i can hook you up. and because of this, i am convinced that i was a drug dealer in my past life.
peace!
hahaha awesome. maybe we were friends in a past life
yeah therapy!! wow, you’re a plethora of information. i pretty much want your tattoo recommendations too!! didn’t know there were therapists in asia… ? i think i just need closer friends..
Your blog, your content
I usually don’t talk much at hairdressers either. I did start telling tales to my gay hairdresser because he had his own shop and every time I went for a haircut he was the only other person there. Unfortunately my budget got tighter once I bought my condo so I had to quit getting my haircut there. Where are you now?
i’m actually in taiwan for a bit. i really need a haircut.. i used to cut my hair myself though. but a gay hairdresser would be pretty rad. do i know you? lol
i need to update this blog…
The fucking little nun should retract to her cozy hole in the monastery for meditation because she is light years from enlightenment. There is no universal true suitable for everybody; the true is individual as underwear. How she is dare to preach about have to and must to. Ignorant like her make us feel inferior just because our existence is not so evident, but there is no deference between us and others as in the way we communicate.
Look, what I learned from our Buddhist retreat is that the world needs both, writers and speakers. Speaking is more powerful, more immediate, and more effective at the moment. But speaker spend so much effort en communicate that have no time to observe and analyze. Instead, communication of writers is deep and meaningful. While speakers irradiate, we have time to absorb, analyze and reach wiser conclusions.
There are no rules for existence. Your nature is permanent, your point of view about it is malleable. So, be clear to where to make an effort.
Hugs. Miss you!
hi anna!!! thanks for your thoughts, i miss you too. nice to hear from you!! i agree with you. there’s no set way to live life, worship, or anything. the journey is ultimately the same, but we come to it in so many different, and unique ways because we’re individuals. speakers and writers have their place in their world. just as factory workers, work drones, exist so that we can travel and explore. both lifestyles are valid and need eachother for support; one can’t exist without the other. without the workers who keep society together, we couldn’t veer off and explore! best of luck to you!!