This Is Not The End
It was a brisk, autumn night, and the sky was clear. The soft rustle of autumn leaves dragging across cement like gentle whispers reminded me that things change. Jen and I walked past bars and a late night middle eastern restaurant before deciding on a place to eat. From a distance, straight ahead of us, I saw him. He was alone and walked slowly. He seemed to blend in the autumn air; a mirage. I wondered if he sensed my presence behind him or heard my voice speaking about who knows what, but speaking about Not Him.
That night, we were at a show. He had a way of deciding what to do that was exactly what I’d want to do as well. Having the same music tastes means you’re soul mates, after all. If, by soul mates you mean broken and if by broken you mean fragile. He wanted to go alone, he said. So I decided to go with Jen.
I crunched on an autumn leaf. It was my favorite childhood quirk; stomping on autumn leaves just to hear the crisp sound like a seasonal fanfare, announcing my presence. How could something so fun and enjoyable remind me of something so heartbreaking? I thought of the eggshells I walked on, remembering how I got to this point.
Maybe I was overextending my stay; crowding his space bubble. Maybe I shouldn’t have even been there. That night, there were no fanfares, and my presence seemed uninvited. So close yet so far away. Was he trying to avoid me? Was I trying to avoid him? Not one of us said a word. I tried not to look at him, let alone make eye contact. The proximity of the intimate venue was almost unbearable. Unbearably awkward. From my periphery, I could see him sitting to my left. Up on stage was Laura Gibson, an indie artist from Portland, Oregon.
She lit up the small crowd with her voice. Told us this was a participatory song and that we needed to sing the lines with her at the end. Her voice, as tentative and soft as my heart, carried me, lifting me out of my depression.
“This is not the end,” she sang.
“This is not the end.”
“This is not the end,” I joined in with a faint smile and dulled senses. If my life were a movie, this is the point where I’d cry, but I did not. All I could do was sing. And through this singing, the night didn’t seem so bad. As the crowd joined, gathering strength and energy, life didn’t seem so bad. The once tentative-sounding voice now sounded like a quiet strength.
I thought about the significance of these simple words at that exact moment in time. It was as if she was singing directly to me; reading my mind. My emotions were numb, unsure how to take it. The experience, shared with my ex yet so far removed, was completely surreal. I bought her album, waiting in line while he walked right beside me. The air between us shifted a light breeze. We were two strangers.
I listened to that song on repeat for days, weeks, months. It became my break-up mantra which encouraged me, carried me, and covered me with hope; giving me warmth from the cold of my loneliness.
This year, there will be no autumn leaves to crunch in my tropical paradise. Things change and seasons roll on. My heart has mended now, and my spirit stronger than ever. But I am indebted for this song that got me through. This is not the end, and it was the start of my beautiful beginning and becoming.
What was your break-up mantra?
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17 Responses to “This Is Not The End”
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I LOVE this post. The awkward moments between dating and ‘are we cool again?’ that lead you to wonder if they think you came to the concert because they would be there or was it really about the musician. The honest clean pain of ‘who was I before us?’ and the enlivening discovery that you are so much more ‘because of us’ and it’s all a new beginning to something even better.
.-= andi´s last blog ..sabertoothed crotch crickets & why adam/darwin/homo sapien bob started naming everything =-.
I’m so glad you like it! I was debating whether I should write it because I didn’t think it fit the “format” of my blog… whatever that is. I like how you say it’s “because of us” that we are so much more.. I’ve never thought of it quite like that but it’s certainly true that I would not be where I am today if not for that relationship! Those are the kind of things that remind me to be grateful of my experiences.
Lovely post!
The atmosphere in concerts often leads to more emotionality…feelings are enhanced, everything looks and sounds more special. I’m glad there was a song that was your buddy in a difficult time.
.-= devil mood´s last blog ..Mantra – sunday scribblings =-.
Beautiful post and beautiful mantra. Break ups and relationships are confusing period. It’s so hard to hold on to who we are sometimes. Then something happens t remind us. Those are blessings.
.-= Dee´s last blog ..The Seer =-.
A most excellent mantra. You have done a great job in passing it on. I just hope all your readers will do the same. Well done.
.-= old egg´s last blog ..Mantra =-.
I don’t remember having a mantra. I just remember listening to a lot of break-up songs and being miserable.
hehe, that’s a good phase too. Alanis Morissette helps for that.
What I love about the Laura Gibson song is that it actually doesn’t keep me depressed at all! It’s so uplifting which is rare for a break-up song, I think.
Beautiful post. No one is more present than when you are desperately trying not to notice them. You captured that so well. Thank you for the great read tonight.
I figured with the “mantra” prompt that I probably could have written more about the monastery experience, or Buddhism. But I decided to create a mood piece from the memory archives instead.
Thanks for reading.
I love this post, Floreta! It made me think of my own love story and how I should cope now that it is drawing to an end.
.-= The Demigoddess´s last blog ..Here’s Proof We Need a Better Education System Here =-.
aw. feel free to use that song!
Awww music has such a way of getting us through things. I love this sng, and this post as a whole. You are such an inspiration always!
.-= carissa´s last blog ..My “AHHHHHHHHH (HANDS ON CHEEKS)” Week. =-.
This is so well written and I have been there. I loved where you compared the crunching of the leaf underfoot to the way you had been walking on eggshells.
.-= Holly Renee´s last blog ..So Perfectly Imperfect =-.
I’m not sure if I have or had a break-up mantra. For each relationship it’s different. For a few relationships it was an immediate end to any sort of contact. For others, the undefined phase went on for months or years.
In my experience, prolonging the emotional detachment is only more painful in the end.
You wrote about this beautifully.
您为什么称呼自己为“solitarypand”，大熊猫在您心中是什么样的？
Hi Floreta, thanks for your comment no my blog awhile back – not had many of those ;o) This is a truly beautiful post, a prose poem! I can so relate to it, and music has been so imporatnt to me, too in these pivotal times. i would say my ‘mantra’ has been, and still is, ‘Sweet Surrender’ by John Denver http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Lm9jIWmksE ‘Tomorrow is open, right now it seems to be more than enough’ ;oD
I love Laura Gibson so much. Her shows are always magical. And I think she’s probably the most tender-hearted, positive-vibes type of person I’ve ever met. It makes me really happy to hear that one of her songs affected you in such an important way.
I’m completely new to your blog. I found it because you left me a comment earlier today. I’m really glad you did. Your writing, or your personality, or both… well, I feel soothed and serene when I read your things. So far, anyway. I just started twenty minutes ago so I don’t want to jump the gun. But from what I can tell, you are a lovely human being. Thanks for doing what you do, Miss Janet.