Disillusionment
May 29th marked the two month halfway point of my stay at the Zen monastery. It’s safe to say that I’m past the disillusionment stage, you know, if I were in a relationship. But why can’t the “5 stages of committed relationships” apply to experiences, instead of people, as well? Two months and I can already sense the impending break-up.
At first, everything was new and exciting! Look at how we get to eat yummy vegetarian meals with chopsticks everyday in silence! How about this cool chanting in Chinese thing for half an hour every morning?? You mean mopping the floor is meditation!? I finally understand why cleanliness is next to Godliness! My boobs are really sweating out toxins while I’m meditating, holy shit! What the heck are they trying to tell me in class today? Wow, I have zero concentration skills, let me doodle on my notebook and write in my journal instead.
That kind of thing.
Now it’s more like, what’s the point of all this!?
What’s the point of any of this? This whole life thing. I didn’t actually think I was going to find answers like the Meaning of Life here, did I?
When evaluating and making decisions in my life, I try to answer the question: does this add value to my life? Of course, I answered “yes” when I decided to sign myself up for this but now, I’m not so sure. While I have no doubt this experience will help me in the hectic day-to-day of society, calm me while I try to stay positive, and even help me professionally, I no longer see value in the constant rinse, repeat lifestyle. A third of the people have already quit early, and I have to admit, I’m wondering about the same. In reality, I know I’ll stick it out because I’m not one for quitting when I’ve made a commitment towards something (a quick dodge in my mind makes me think otherwise, but in this situation, lets just pretend it’s a true blanket statement OK?), but my mind has grown increasingly less present now that it’s halfway through the program. That sense of wonder and bliss and true presence is starting to escape me. I’m worrying about what’s next and trying to secure my next adventure. Once again, I’m living in the future.
Anxieties build up again about my “career”. While it’s obvious I’m on a career break/sabbatical and I should learn to own it and enjoy it, I’m still worrying about how to get a job, or design my own job entrepreneur style. I start to think if this whole monastery stint was truly a way to experience something worthwhile, or just an excuse to put off the “real world”. Shudder.
The real world. As if this life now isn’t reality?
In Real Life
“This isn’t me in real life,” one girl kept pointing out during our stay. It struck me as a funny thing to say since our life, now, is in the monastery. How real can you get? I get what she was trying to say, though. In “real life” she’s louder, more flamboyant. Wearing uniforms that remind me of really crappy made in China workout pants and polos doesn’t exactly give much room for self expression. Her life back in Manila is so vastly different from our current experience that she equates a sort of Zen detachment towards it, boldly claiming it’s “not me”. It got me thinking. Who am I in real life anyway? I’m constantly adjusting myself to new situations and surroundings that I no longer have a stable life to base my “reality” on. The only real life I’ve got is here in the present. And the real world? It’s just an imaginary concept existing in our minds to keep the status-quo going. I don’t like the “real world” and I suspect I won’t enter it again.
In real life, I am discovering I thrive in situations I never thought I could, in the unknown. I’m realizing I am an adventurer that hates complacency, and in turn, status-quo. I’m learning how to accept that and live life more freely, without borders and on the edges. The hardest part of it all is learning how to take the responsibility of leading my own life, in my own hands, and trying to figure out my own path to carve. The meaning of life IS what you make out of it. It’s that simple, but infinitely and in turn, that much harder.
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17 Responses to “Disillusionment”
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I’ll tell you, panda, a real happiness is control over your life. Whether you find that by meditating all day mopping floors or by working day and night on your own business is your own choice but I’m pretty sure that you are way too creative and passionate to be couped up in a monastery.
When you’re done eating in quiet everyday while concentrating on the present, start thinking about the future and get your asian ass in business for yourself!
Do design work for low cost or free, maybe offer to redesign small restaurant menu’s or something and build, then work it from there!
Thanks, Mr. C
I already knew the monastery life isn’t for me – long-term – but it IS a good stasis for my brainstorming.. I’m definitely a LOT happier now than maybe ever before, and it’s because I know I’m taking control of my life. It’s just scary and daunting sometimes.. Plus not having to rely on anyone. The free thing is tough. I always thought, I’m tired of doing shit for free… But it really is the best way to start from nothing. :T ah well.
Sorry to hear you’re feeling a but uninspired by the whole process at the moment. Perhaps try to see this stage as part of the whole experience?
.-= Kirsty´s last blog ..Diva DON’TS! =-.
Good luck on getting through the rest of your time there.
If it’s any consolation, what you’ve done is incredibly inspirational to me. I would never in a million years have even THOUGHT about spending that kind of time in a monastery (an afternoon would suffice). You not only thought about it, you did it.
You’re having an experience very few ever will – and it’ll be something you can look back on and share, positive or negative.
You may not find the meaning of life (more than what you already know) but you’re learning more about yourself, from how it seems. That’s pretty good and probably a big part of the goal you had when you started.
.-= Joel´s last blog ..Winding Down, Ramping Up and Moving On =-.
haha, hey, different strokes for different folks!
A monastery may not be most people’s things, I’m betting. Surely it’s not mine long-term.. No plans on monkhood here!! 
Yes, I’m gaining a lot through this experience.. even now, already. I’m actually surprised by how many things that are starting to ‘click’ and that I’m directly gaining from..
First: The point of zazen is just to sit zazen. The point of life is just life. Stay or go, it’s all the same. That’s why what you said:
“The hardest part of it all is learning how to take the responsibility of leading my own life, in my own hands, and trying to figure out my own path to carve. The meaning of life IS what you make out of it. It’s that simple, but infinitely and in turn, that much harder.”
…is so true. And I don’t need to stay in a monastery. I find this lesson in my own life, which is completely opposite to yours in appearance (married with one child and a stable job). And I suspect you will continue to find this lesson wherever you go, whatever you choose to do.
Second: I like what you said about “real life”. It illustrates how much separation we create in our minds. There is no “real life” vs. “unreal life”. It’s all real. Even this virtual world where we meet and read each others blogs exists in reality. To put Zen in one box and label it Zen, while dumping the rest of life into another box called “real life” is a mistake.
May you be well and happy_/|\_
.-= Rafael Ayala´s last blog ..Living Is Dying =-.
ah! I love all your points! Yes, it IS all the same, no matter HOW you choose to carve out your life and how ‘different’ it may be to the people around you. It is all. the. same. Which goes back to life being kind of meaningless when it comes down to it… But then you get into the nihilism camp which I don’t think Buddhism purports at all, either.. Life is meaningless..but it’s the meaning that you put into it. Buddhism for me is a very existential ‘religion’. It’s great that the same lessons can be found through the varied differences of lifestyles..
I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately… while others take time to travel, to go and find themselves, I’m in the real world struggling to make ends meet and wondering how my life went from exciting ideas about the future to harsh realities about the present. I don’t know how to make my life happen the way I want it to anymore, but I know that taking a break and taking myself out of “real life” will only postpone the inevitable and add to the pile of bills to pay. It’s depressing, but in a way I feel strong for having to work hard and struggle through. “America, I’m putting my queer shoulder to the wheel!” (“America” Allen Ginsberg)
.-= Ari´s last blog ..5 Ingredients or Less: an Interview with Ashley Helvey =-.
It can be tough and definitely not a prime situation that’s possible for everyone. I understand that. You SHOULD be proud you’re working hard. It’s not easy, whichever path you end up taking. Good luck on your situation! My advice would just be to try to find joy through hobbies so you can separate work life from life. That’s the advantage of the 9-5.. Having clear separation between the two, whereas freelancers “freetime” vs work time can be a blur!
Sounds like you are in a good place. You are at the point of questioning why you are there and what you are doing. Hang in there for those answers will reveal themselves as you stay on your course. Remain present. Trust your intuition, trust that you are there for a purpose and all will be well. You are at the cusp, continue and be prepared to be amazed.
.-= Mark´s last blog ..Be Energy Conscious =-.
Thanks for the positive message. It’s interesting because I thought this seemed to express a less-than-good (but not bad) place… I like your perspective. What you’re saying makes sense and the ‘answers’ have actually revealed themselves pretty fast. I’m already finding more meaning again which I will probably blog about later. Yes, I am definitely on a cusp of something… Amazing!
It’s good that you’re feeling this, it’s just more discovery about yourself and maybe your influences.
I loved living in my campervan in Australia, but when I run out of things to do and see (I spent over 2 months trying to sell it…) I got frustrated and felt I wasn’t moving on in life, I think you are feeling similar from what you’ve written, the rinse/repeat lifestyle quote resonated with me here.
.-= AdventureRob´s last blog ..Travel Story: Paul The Pimp =-.
thanks for the encouragement! It’s nice to know this is actually a GOOD place to be, like Mark also mentioned. I am definitely discovering about myself.. continuously.
Lovely reading this.Sounds like you’ve been leading a tough life.
n plz drop by my blog. Posted something new.
.-= Deeptesh´s last blog ..The Wedding of the Crystals =-.
I really adored this post Floreta. And I think it is awesome that you have tried out the monastery, definitely the experience of a lifetime. And I do think life is what we make of it and how we choose to control it. We cannot control everything but we are capable of making decisions about our health, our personal relationships, spirituality and creativity. I found that my life became a lot more happier when I started following the inner yearnings inside of myself to write.. All of a sudden I felt more whole. Keep searching love, you are on the right path and I admire you for looking in places that people probably would never be brave enough to look at.
Best,
Hannah Katy
I think that human thought must always frame things in terms of logic, in terms of societal value(where did this value system come from anyway?). It’s interesting that you’ve put the words “career” and “real world” in quotation marks. It’s blasphemy! It’s interesting that culture is not regarded as a religion, Im starting to think that it is, because it is caught up in language, language is caught up in ways of perceiving, ways of perceiving in reactions, reactions in…How is it that monks do not have this same value system? How is it that we have this value system? Aren’t monks human beings like us? How could we differ so much if we are made of the same substance? Why havent you also put “wonder”, “bliss”, “true presence” in quotations marks? We are as horsemen that ride into the middle of flames; whether within, in the monastery, at home, at work, on sea, in the skies, on earth. This human mind is the cause of everything.
thanks for the comment!
It’s meant to keep people in their place and keep the status-quo. Society and culture regarded as religion… Hmmm, that’s an interesting thought. Religion is steeped in language.. AND culture! The differences between Zen, Tibetan, Chinese Buddhism etc. is cultural. Is culture in itself religion though? I wonder. Religion is definitely man-made, as is culture.. Culture can’t exist without man, and society. I think monks don’t have this same value system because they’ve chosen not to live a “laymen” life. The laymen life is knee deep entrenched in this culture/society. Monks/monastery have their own, separate culture/society. They aren’t concerned with laymen society. Anyway, thanks for the interesting thoughts here! Appreciated.
I’m pretty sure this value system came from society