Commitment
I’m a newbie traveler. The kind of newbie traveler that’s traversed back and forth from the Pacific Northwest and tropical Cebu, Philippines so many times its become my 2nd home, visited Canada once when I was too young to remember, and saw India for the first time January of this year. I’m not sure if you can really call that a newbie traveler, but it feels like it sometimes. I haven’t seen beautiful African sunsets, backpacked through Europe, or trekked to Macchu Picchu. But already, this taste of adventure has got me hooked for more.
I’m falling off the deep end. Wondering when my traveling adventure will end and finding myself not wanting it to. Dreaming of being a professional nomad. The kind of nomad with no permanent address or place to call home. Who only sets foot on American soil as a visitor, or for that matter, anywhere, as a Visitor. Who weaves in and out of people’s lives with no sense of permanency. Then I think, that’s crazy, and what am I trying to run away from? Or what am I trying to run *towards*? It’s a valid lifestyle for some people, but is it the right lifestyle for me? The further off the deep end you go, the harder it is to find someone worth sharing your adventures with. I might as well call it early and claim my Spinster role. I won’t be joining the monastery, but in the name of Feminism, I’ll reclaim the Spinster! Except, I don’t want to be a spinster. Not really.
I think about how I want to be part of community and a family. That can’t be right because they’re two opposing lifestyles. The dilemma that has always been my dilemma is my contradictory nature. This brash, black and white thinking that leaves me all sorts of confused and unable to decipher what the hell I really want. Probably, somewhere half way. Meet me in the middle in the shades of gray. That sounds cheesy and poetic but what I mean is I want some sort of compromise. I don’t want to give up my wanderlust, but I don’t want to hide from possibility and potential, either. I don’t want to quit before it can even start. So, I don’t want to be a spinster.
What I’m talking about is commitment. Attachment. Detachment. Maybe the long-term nomadic lifestyle isn’t about commitment-phobia for some people, but I know it would be for me. At what point does travel become an excuse to ignore commitments? Not just love. Certainly, love. But the “real world”, student loans, work? Travel, for me, cannot come from a place of hiding, running away from, whatever it is I want to avoid. Because, as they say, “wherever you go, there you are.”
I’m constantly evaluating myself and my motives. I don’t want to run away. That’s not what this is all about. I want to run towards and confront who I am and who I’m meant to be. I’m discovering my Authentic Self. And with all of the potential and possibilities right within my reach, I owe it to myself not to quit. I can’t. I’ve barely even begun. The moment travel becomes about avoiding commitment, I reshape my motives and change it. That doesn’t mean flying back home… It just means taking the plunge. Whatever it may be. You have to have some faith. Trust that everything will work out and do everything you can within your control to shape it, guide it along the process. Trust the process.
Reclaiming the spinster is quitting on love, and I don’t want to quit on that, especially. I’ve been burned before but it makes me appreciate love more. Appreciate my teachers (read: exes) and lessons that I’ve learned. There will always be “failures” but that just leaves more room for success. The more you fail, the closer you are to success. With anything.
The best way to deal with commitment-phobia or paralysis of any kind is to simply commit. Do the work. Write 800 words a day. Meditate daily. Practice yoga 5x a week. Be creative. Love someone. Whatever it is, do it. Do what you’ve committed yourself to doing. Don’t hold back. Don’t judge. Shut-up your inner critic and commit.
Realize that it will be hard, and that’s normal. Realize that you will want to quit, and continue doing it. Pushing through the disillusionment will take you to the sweet spot of awareness. That’s where Truth starts to happen, and you can journey closer to your Authentic Self.
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22 Responses to “Commitment”
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I definitely know this thought process. I wish I could do anything I wanted all the time.. it would save me having to make good decisions because I could always just do something else. The temptation is there to just keep moving, starting new all the time so you never fail and you are never attached to anything. It seems like freedom, but it also seems like aimlessness. I think it comes because I don’t know what I want to do and I don’t know what’s best for me. But I feel that until I do find that passion to do something really intensely, I should stay and build on what I’ve got going insteading running in every direction to try to avoid getting disappointed.
It feels so good to read your words again. I find myself constantly evaluating my motives and myself as well. It can be such a crippling thing, but I can’t help that I live so much in my head. I’m going to work on committing myself to something as well, perhaps not love, but something that should get my 110%!
Yeah love is overrated
This was actually going to be more of a post on love but ended up being something else.. Guess my head just can’t be bothered with it right now.
I’ve been reading your entries, I just can’t seem to comment.
As someone who currently lives (and always has lived) the life of a “professional nomad” as you so eloquently put it, I wonder if its been romanticised. Yes, it’s fantastic to not be tied down and be able to do whatever you want- to be free to pack your bags and jump off the deep end. Yes. That’s fantastic.
But I wonder if you’ve never lived with the rootlessness, if it’s possible to learn it. Is it possible to learn to not belong? To always have to pause before the “where are you from?” question- is the answer nowhere, everywhere or a country to keep it simple? Is it possible to learn to not have a home, to know that your friends and family are scattered and there is no such thing as a reunion? I wonder. I wonder because if it’s possible to do that, then it’s possible to stop wandering and to stay. For once, to stay.
I like what you say about committing to things and then just doing it. Just get it done. I commit to a lot, but the procrastination gets in the way.. while it gets done in the end, it doesn’t get done as quickly as it should.
x
Beautiful words, thanks! I think both being a nomad and staying someplace can be romanticized. Interesting question on whether it’s possible to learn NOT to belong… It seems so counter-intuitive since I would think most people want to feel like they belong, to some place, somewhere, something… I think humans are very adaptive to situations so I suppose it would be possible to learn. I’ve always felt in some ways that I don’t belong. But I’ve learned not to think of it as a bad thing.
Incredible post, loved every word. I’ve been thinking a lot about the concept of attachment – to thoughts, to people, to past events, to places – and realising that attachment is the cause of a lot of discomfort in life. Holding on to past hurts or people who aren’t meant to be in your life causes discomfort. Holding on to ideas and dreams without doing anything about them causes discomfort. I think a lot can be said for learning how to detach and just be present, and allowing things to happen. Very freeing. I love the journey you are on.
you’re right about attachment. In Buddhism they say attachment is the cause of suffering. It’s so true, but just because you’re a Buddhist doesn’t mean you’re this unemotional person not affected by anything and detached from life. We are all human!
Fantastic.
I am going to do this too. I have fallen off the horse with yoga and writing, and I never even got a solid meditation practice going.
Thanks for inspiring me to get some discipline.
This is going to be hard.
:p
Never really tried meditation, but always been intrigued by its healing and restorative powers (they say).
No matter where your “journey” takes you just bring us with you thru this blog.
Still inside?
still inside what? the monastery? yes.
I’m glad you like reading through my journey. Sometimes I start to get frustrated with the blog so it’s encouraging to see its appreciated.
Meditation is pretty great. It also helps you think and brainstorm ‘answers’ to things..
great! you’re the 2nd person I’ve convinced to do the challenge now.. keep at it and thanks for commenting!
I can really relate to this. I am not a traveler but I do try to continually detach. It’s so much harder than one might think. Detaching from our roles. Detaching from locations. Detaching from thoughts. It’s a life long journey and it’s worth it. I also work on attaching. Attaching without fear. Both are so important. As always, I loved this post.
It’s so interesting to me that I wrote about “commitment” but what most people got from it was detachment! I don’t think I meant to write about that intentionally.. This Buddhist thing must really be working my psyche.. haha.
Beautifully written. Your prose has such clarity and you deftly examine every side of your situation. But sometimes it’s better not to overanalyze, one gets lost in a maze of possibilities. Do what feels right at the moment, and if adjustments need to be made, make them when necessary.
yes, i’m a huge overanalyzer and i know it’s better not to be!
making those ‘right’ decisions in the moment–following your heart/gut/intuition–is the best way to focus.
I don’t really have anything to add as you’ve written such a good piece here on sticking with commitment, however there is also an art in finding when you should quit on something which isn’t working, be it a relationship, career, new years resolution or whatever.
Some of the best decisions in moving forward in my life have been deciding to quit.
you’re so right about that too, Rob. sometimes i wonder if my decisions to quit were the ‘right’ decisions though. hindsight is 20/20 as they say. but since i am where i am now, and wouldn’t be so if i had stayed in a relationship, i think it’s fair to say i made the right decision.
Enjoyed your thoughts and your writing.
You’ve probably travelled more than 99.9% of all other humans, so I wouldn’t call you a newbie!
But yes, if you’ve got the travelling bug, and you want to see the rest of the world, you have a long way to go!
Personally, I like my work-hard-and-then-travel method — but I’d like to try a longer stint away from my computers, see how I cope. I can work from anywhere too, so… there’s nothing really stopping me!
wow, when you put it into that kind of perspective I guess not. So many other travelers have been to 10+ countries though and my list is still modest
I LOVE the work and travel method. It allows me not having to work the 9 to 5 and not having to make ridiculous income to keep up with the US rat race. I don’t care if I make 50k or 6 figure incomes.. I just want to travel
Well, you’ve heard that figure about US citizens and passports, right? Something like 80% of Americans don’t even have one…?
I still hope we’ll bump into each other while travelling the globe!
I imagine it would be quite… pneumatic.
no I didn’t know that! but sounds about right. lazy americans!
i actually had to look up the word pneumatic.. you and your verbose vernacular
i don’t think i have large breasts.