NSFW)">Anal Lube Giveaway (NSFW)
The following is part of Lilu’s TMI Thursdays. Visit Live it Love it for more.
I remember the first time we picked up the lube at the sex shop. It amused me to see such a “hardcore” image on the packaging itself. And that typeface! In heavy sans serif calling my name as if to say “FUCK ME IN THE ASS WITH HELVETICA!” Penthouse Black Label Heavy Duty Anal Lube. It was sexy indeed. A designer who’s trained to appreciate beauty can’t help but buy the lube with imagery. Imagine…
You, me and Helvetica. We got a date. Place your fingers in the container and then your fingers on my ass and play. Play that punky emocore Blood Brothers shit that makes me feel 7 years younger and in art school. I know it’s no longer my usual fare, but babe, this isn’t my usual night. Remembering the night I was hopping up and down covered in sweat and pushing bodies against me in a musical orgy of sound. Remembering the night they opened for Glassjaw. Or the night the cute boy who loved Poison the Well found out I loved Poison the Well. Back when the same music taste meant you were perfect together, instead of things that really matter like lifestyles and values. He asked me out and I said no because I’m an idiot. I can only imagine what would have happened if I said yes, in his white, Anglo-Saxon, privileged counter-culturalism that made me think he’d fuck on the first date. I’ll stroke your cock with heavy duty anal lube. Make sure you’re ready to ravage my Asian ass. Make me scream higher than that blood curdling Blood Brothers as you place your big cock in me bareback and ride. Ride, baby, ride.
I’m giving away my Heavy Duty Anal Lube to a random commenter because I simply have no use for it any longer.
1) I am currently at a Zen monastery living a monastic and ascetic life. (Yes, I am aware I am a woman of paradox.)
2) I am single.
3) Obviously, with one and two combined, I am celibate (one year, five months and still going strong).
4) I don’t want to use the lube on a future partner because it’s tainted with bad ex karma.
5) I understand the value of impermanence and do not want to hold on to it any longer.
6) I am willing to give the rest away to a worthy person. There is still a lot left!!
If anyone wants FREE Floreta approved anal lube, comment now!! Comment as much as you’d like. Tweet this. Whatever. Each tweet or comment gives you another entry. What, you don’t want used lube? Try me. ^_~
UPDATE: Happy April fools. Hope you enjoyed my humor.
Leave a Reply
23 Responses to “Anal Lube Giveaway (NSFW)”
TrackBack URL :
Twitter: ninoart
says:
Don’t go anal on me, Flo
This post is hot!
My Kafkaesque Life´s last blog ..My 10 crazy Taiwan photos
[Reply]
Oh my God. That’s so hilarious I think I just expelled half of my lunch through my nose.
But I do want to add that this isn’t an entry comment — lol — if you don’t mind the “entry” pun!!
Kirsty´s last blog ..An update post
[Reply]
Floreta
Twitter: solitarypanda
Reply:
April 2nd, 2010 at 12:40 pm
expelled huh? hehe.
glad you got a laugh out of this!
[Reply]
I’m speechless. Not because I have a problem with anal lube, I don’t.
I just think it’s hilarious that you’re giving this away. Partly used anal lube. Now that’s an original giveaway!
I’ve got nuthin’ else!
One of The Guys´s last blog ..Moves that paralyze
[Reply]
Floreta
Twitter: solitarypanda
Reply:
April 2nd, 2010 at 12:50 pm
original but fake
happy april fools!!
[Reply]
You make butt sex *almost* something I’d want to do. You’re one crazy girl floreta, giving away goddamn anal lube haha.
[Reply]
Floreta
Twitter: solitarypanda
Reply:
April 2nd, 2010 at 12:36 pm
dude it’s totally cool. april fools!!
[Reply]
Twitter: AdventureRob
says:
Ah, the things we travel with and realise we don’t need once we’re on the road
Well good luck with giving away your anal lube! Unfortunately I have no use for it being single, so I’ll just let this one slide, so someone else can slip in and win it…
AdventureRob´s last blog ..Changes
[Reply]
Floreta
Twitter: solitarypanda
Reply:
April 2nd, 2010 at 12:35 pm
yeah, don’t need this while i’m solitary..
ahahaha love the double entendres.
and happy april fools. gotcha.
[Reply]
[…] Floreta’s Anal Lube Giveaway (NSFW) […]
Oh my gosh, can’t stop laughing. I don’t really want your anal lube, tempting as that is. But still funniest shit I’ve read all morning.
carissajaded´s last blog ..If I had a Hot Tub Time Machine…
[Reply]
Floreta
Twitter: solitarypanda
Reply:
April 2nd, 2010 at 12:30 pm
hahaha well I’m glad you can appreciate my humor!
[Reply]
this is the best blog post of any kind that I’ve read today.
That label is quite amazing.
Clevelandpoet´s last blog ..TMI Thursday: The pantless edition
[Reply]
Floreta
Twitter: solitarypanda
Reply:
April 2nd, 2010 at 12:30 pm
haha! it is quite a site isn’t it?? i love it! so funny
[Reply]
Hahaha, now that’s some wicked sense of humor you got there! Made me laugh my ass off!
[Reply]
“FUCK ME IN THE ASS WITH HELVETICA!” ::almost spit tea everywhere:: Your site should come with a “do not read while drinking” disclosure. <3
Brittney´s last blog ..Guest Blogger: The Fabulous Emily Jane!
[Reply]
Twitter: mara629
says:
Hmmmm.….USED anal lube.…that just seems wrong.
Mara J.´s last blog ..Every little bit counts
[Reply]
Twitter: mrseb
says:
Baww… April Fool?
What a gyp
[Reply]
nsfm
[Reply]
Floreta
Twitter: solitarypanda
Reply:
April 12th, 2010 at 11:21 am
not safe for monastery? hehe
[Reply]
Twitter: h18
says:
Two words: Double dip
Third word: gross
Funny post, but maybe too intentionally acerbic?
Foodie´s last blog ..The Brooklyn Flea
[Reply]
You might be pleased to know that “FUCK ME IN THE ASS WITH HELVETICA” has been a new curse of mine in my office when I run into a typography design problem. Too. Damn. Funny.
nicopolitan´s last blog ..This Is How You Do Optimism
[Reply]
Floreta
Twitter: solitarypanda
Reply:
April 16th, 2010 at 8:03 am
rad!! i didn’t know i wasn’t the only one who used it; thought i made it up.
it’s a great phrase. hahahaha.
[Reply]