Living it Up
I saw my friend the other night walking towards the town plaza; the equivalent of “downtown” where young people hang out during the daytime, and after hours.
Asa ka? (Where are you going?) I asked.
Mg suroy suroy. (Just hanging out.)
Kuyog ko? (Can I come?)
She told me no! That my family will get mad if I go out at night and maybe next time in the morning we can hang out. My heart sunk a little as I realized she was more right than wrong. At least the whole exchange was in Filipino, and I’m slowly getting it.
The first week I got here, I got a call from my tito (uncle) in New Jersey that I haven’t talked to in over ten years. He told me never go out by myself, especially at night. I might get kidnapped. As a 5’1″ solo female traveler, I am not immune to worst case scenarios, despite my sometimes foolish and invincible mentality, but how do you live it up in a foreign country when your family won’t let you do anything on your own?
Losing My Independence
Despite my one-way ticket, and boarding the planes on my own, I didn’t come here to be independent. I knew that. I was bracing myself for the Asian Community model and way of life. Living it, however, is far harder than I imagined it to be.
Sure, I am learning tight-knit family values; something I never really had. But I am losing a sense of independence that is affecting my self esteem. I have become a boring homebody when I should be exploring my surroundings, meeting new people, and making new friends. I’ve noticed my inner dialogue has been more negative than it’s been in months. Mainly: I’m lame. I’m pathetic. I’m dumb. Repeat this mantra enough times and I just might dig a new hole for myself. I feel so cooped up that it’s slowly driving me insane. I live too much of my life in my head.
Change of Perspective
Rough start aside, I’ll be darned if I let this get to me! What I need is a change of perspective. I’ve been here nearly one month and it’s safe to say that I’m being a bit too hard on myself for the things I have not done. Those tight-knit family values? It’s kinda awesome. It feels nice having little cousins that look up to me, genuinely enjoy talking to me (in English!), and ask me for video game advice when we play RPG games. One day, we spent the whole afternoon looking up YouTube videos and singing along together. In fact, it’s one of their favorite things ever. These moments, as simple as they are, are what gives my life new meaning: the ability to connect with my family that I was afraid had forgotten me or wouldn’t like me.
I’ve always thought about the work/personal life balance and its significance to your everyday life. Work gives me that sense of independence and personal accomplishment that satisfies my need to make a mark. Even just the simple act of applying to new freelance opportunities makes me feel better about myself. But personal life? That’s something to cherish.
The older I get, the more I feel that family building (immediate, nuclear, romantic) and friend cultivating, in short: Community Building are the things that really matter in life. The rest are just a means to an end. Living it up means laughing hard, interacting with my family, visiting my friends, and smiling big. It doesn’t have to mean hiking to the tops of mountains, or soaking in white sand beaches. At times, I have to remind myself that I didn’t come here to be a tourist, I came here to be with my family and learn the language.
Despite my traditional-sounding ideologies (which, in all honesty, kind of freak me out because I am so far from being a traditional woman), I still live life with a sense of adventure. I still want to experience new things, travel to new places, and see the world. Rest assured, I will climb to tops of mountains and soak in white sand beaches. It’s just a matter of time. One month down, eleven (plus?) more to go.
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17 Responses to “Living it Up”
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It’s definitely a transition, eh? I’m proud of you for sticking through it though. And I definitely think keeping perspective, like you’re doing, is going to help you tremendously.
One month down, but remember…just one month. You haven plenty of time to grow your way out of the house and gain some of your family’s confidence as a “local”
The Journey is the Destination…and sometimes, the journey keeps you inside.
.-= Chase´s last blog ..“The Journey is the Destination” in practice: Road Trip! =-.
Yeah I think Chase has a good point. As you stay on longer, you’ll probably be able to stretch your limits more.
Either way, your positivity is great. And like you said, you came with the goals of getting closer to family and learning the language. If that’s “all” you accomplish, that will be tremendous. Anything else is icing on the cake, right?
(PS: You are totally making me want to go to Taiwan…)
.-= Kristan´s last blog ..So. Yeah. About that. =-.
(you should totally go to Taiwan!!)
.-= Chase´s last blog ..“The Journey is the Destination” in practice: Road Trip! =-.
go back to Taiwan! I’m thinking about visiting.. well, as many places as I can. So Taiwan is a consideration
Yes, I am trying to keep positive. I’m actually afraid I won’t learn the language in a year and will have to stay longer. hehehe
thanks Chase
you always have such encouraging comments!
That’s a good point.. I do think part of it is that they don’t have confidence in me as a local.. And I know they just care about me and want to keep me safe. Though, sometimes I feel it’s a bit too overprotective. I’m trying to find balance and understanding though..
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hi floreta! it has been awhile since I came here. where in the philippines are you staying? i think i haven’t read that part yet. but we have the same dialect so if we meet there, i can talk to you in cebuano. hehe
i’ll be home soon by the way 
hmm i guess i haven’t said besides cebu.. i’m in carcar right now.. i didn’t realize you’re cebuana too!! when will you come back? and where is home?
I’m not a Cebuana. I’m from Davao but we do have the same dialect. I might go to Cebu in May. I’m not so familiar but I think you have to take a bus to get to Cebu City.
I’ll keep in touch soon 
.-= Kikit´s last blog ..In Her Shoes =-.
Naa ka sa Cebu? What an adventure. One of the best things about the Philippines is definitely the close family ties, family values and their sense of hospitality. =) Life is an adventure sweetie, there’s still lots of time for you to experience new things and to travel to more places here. I hope you enjoy this new journey
.-= chinkygirlmel´s last blog ..Do It Yourself =-.
oo, ako diri sa cebu. haha. that’s probably bad..
just hope i can get past the family compound more.. hehe. I plan on learning as much as I can while I’m here though, and even though it’s hard to get used to, I’m trying to find the good things about it all.
thank you! i would love to travel more of the islands and meet people.
“The older I get, the more I feel that family building (immediate, nuclear, romantic) and friend cultivating, in short: Community Building are the things that really matter in life.”
True.
I wish I don’t lose my sense of independence when we move, which should be anytime soon. A new environment can trigger that want to remain close to familiar (familial) people, to move as a herd.
Here’s to effectively coping up.
Cheers.
changes are tough! I’m still dealing with it. I think a balance of independence and familial is key. I agree that moving makes it hard to keep independent. I would say just try to branch out and make friends, join clubs, go to local events..
I agree with Chase, and if there’s one thing I learned from Star Trek it’s that the journey IS the destination. And it’s only been a month and you’re already learning so much. When I read about your inner monologue I was saddened only because I know how easy it is to fall into that trap. But I read on and I’m so glad you’re in a positive place, and you’re already well on your way to achieving your goals
.-= Emily Jane´s last blog ..Protected: My Real Self Portrait =-.
haha, I love the Star Trek tie-in. I’m always looking for applications to “The Journey is the Destination” and that one’s perfect!
Thanks 
.-= Chase´s last blog ..“The Journey is the Destination” in practice: Road Trip! =-.
I’ve been through the block long enough to know that the negative monologue is a choice, and I don’t have to take it! I try to keep positive, because it’s more challenging but also more rewarding!!
“How do you live it up in a foreign country when your family won’t let you do anything on your own?”
I know exactly what you’re going through! I just came back from living abroad in the Philippines in February (I was there since July ’09). It really is a different experience, especially after you’ve lived on your own for so many years. Sometimes I found simple things like going to the grocery or even going to the mall by myself an ordeal. I would have to ask permission, make sure I was with someone etc etc. But like you said, it’s nice to reconnect with your family, especially if you only get to see them once every couple years for weeks at a time.
So are you familiar with the saying “nose bleed” yet lol? One thing I wish I took advantage of was learning Tagalog :/ I lived in Metro Manila with my Tita’s family, so ALL of my cousins spoke English and the place I was interning did business in English. I felt as though everyone wanted to speak to me in English so that they could improve their English, haha!