Catholic Guilt
A Brief History Lesson
The Philippines was colonized by Spain in the 16th century. In 1565, the first Spanish settlement to the Philippines began with Miguel López de Legazpi’s expedition, establishing the first permanent San Miguel settlement in the island of Cebu (perhaps why modern day Philippines produces San Miguel beer, and the San Miguel company currently produces Philippines’ most popular beer of choice, Red Horse). One of Spain’s main goals was to spread Christianity to the islands and thus why Catholicism is the predominant religion of the Philippines, and the third largest Catholic nation in the world, preceding Brazil and Mexico.
We ascend the steps towards the majestic Catholic church and I past the angel statues. I wonder about things like angels and if they even exist. And then I realize that they do exist; in our minds. Candles are lit everywhere in remembrance of loved ones who have passed. The ritual, as I stare at the flickering flames, is something foreign to me. As my family hands me a candle, I try not to look completely clueless. When in Rome…
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I find an empty candle spot and light it using another candle’s flame nearby. I say a silent prayer for my lola (grandma) who died of ovarian cancer after I visited the summer of my freshman year of high school. You don’t just forget things like that. How happy she looked when she greeted me, everyday. As if she hadn’t just seen me the day before. The way she would always wake me up and say “good morning my pretty little rose bud”. The way her smile lit up the room with her young-at-heart youthfulness. She never let on that she was hurting, when the cancer spread. She always looked so happy to see me… |
I made the sign of the cross like a good little Catholic girl. But I haven’t been Catholic since I was 10 and stopped going to church. Like my lost language, my lost religion, now since foreign to me, is something I sometimes wish I were a part of. Guilty that I’m not. Sometimes, I feel like I’m dishonoring my heritage by not being Catholic, but then I remember that Catholicism is borrowed from Spain’s culture, and then I don’t feel so bad. I’m only as pinoy (Filipino) as the blood rushing through my veins. But I know I am an outsider here, in my own homeland, and I don’t want to make it even more obvious by telling my family I’m not Catholic. (When in Rome…)
These days, I align much more closely with Buddhism. But even I feel disassociated from the label because I don’t feel I’m a very good Buddhist. I hardly meditate. I eat meat. I kill bugs. I don’t live in the present moment most the time. Which brings me back to Catholicism. I can’t escape that good old Catholic Guilt. Guilty that I am not Catholic, like every other Filipino, it seems. I’m not “Buddhist enough”, and I’m not “Catholic enough”, so I can’t be bound in boxes.
There are remnants in me. This Catholic birth. Even though the religion seems so strange, and Lent hasn’t carried over to my yearly life rituals, I can’t escape the guilt.
I am a free-spirit and a freethinker. I am independent. All my life, I have been a rebel, a heretic, in more ways than one. I have called God (Personified) a fairy as fake as Santa Claus and then believed in a higher force that I eventually felt comfortable enough calling “God”. It’s a struggle to be different, and non-traditional. To dare to explore the world when everyone is telling me I should be settling down, have a boyfriend. I did that for five years and it didn’t work for me; even had my own house and dog. Sans the wedding ring (thank God), I was as “settled” as they get. I knew I was too free-spirited to be bound in boxes.
It’s like taking the red pill or blue pill. All my life, I’ve felt guilty for not believing in God, and then guilty for not having a religion. Guilty for not fitting the American Dream. Despite the challenges, I wouldn’t have it any other way, even if I could banish this guilt away by being more conventional. Challenge is what keeps the process (life) interesting. And when I think of that–that I am living life exactly the way I’m meant to, and trusting my heart and intuition–the guilt goes away.
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10 Responses to “Catholic Guilt”
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Well what can I say, we all have to march to our own drums. May be you haven’t been touched by the Divine Hand just yet. And religion is not for everybody. There I said it even though I have just found my way back to my religion.
Photo Cache´s last blog ..Finally
[Reply]
Floreta
Twitter: solitarypanda
Reply:
March 11th, 2010 at 2:21 pm
ah, surely not waiting for my Divine Touch
I accept that religion is not for me and I am not attracted to it nor wanting to belong to one. My current ‘belief in god’ is about as close as I’ll get to divinity, but it comes from within, which is of a far greater place than I can think of than any church steeple. Just my perspective. 
[Reply]
Twitter: curiousillusion
says:
I know the feeling — I have that good ol Catholic gilt too. But I think if, as you say, you’re living life how you’re meant to — it’s all good.
Ari´s last blog ..Bellissimo!
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Twitter: dontfeedanimals
says:
I just wrote an article on a similar matter. I question what faith has for me that I can’t get on my own. Guilt? No thanks!
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[…] Catholic Guilt | The Solitary Panda […]
Floreta: You may not be Catholic “enuff” or Buddhist “enuff,” but you’re sure human enough. Rave on, girl, and be all the ’nuff you want to be. Peace to you.
[Reply]
Floreta
Twitter: solitarypanda
Reply:
March 12th, 2010 at 12:30 pm
yes, I have to remind myself this, always!
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Lapsed Catholicism seems to be a prevalent anti-religion amongst our generation. We don’t accept things because we are told to, we question everything. Our parents would have been slapped if they did such, but times have changed and we are respected for the decisions we make, whether our families like them or not.
I lost my faith over a trivial matter. One year during lent my mom got pissed off because I ate meat on Friday and I went ballistic. I explained how originally it was a 40 day fast. How did a 40 day fast become no meat on Friday? And what makes eating meat on Friday so special that it is truly a sacrifice to give it up?
And then the sweater unraveled. I am pro-choice. I believe that the Earth is billions of years old because I have faith in science. I believe in evolution. I don’t believe you have to attend church for forgiveness and I don’t believe that people that aren’t celebrating that religion are going to hell because if people lived in a remote area naive of Catholicism that never do any wrong can’t be expected to be damned to hell over their ‘heresy’. The more I looked into the religion, the less I believed. I view the bible as a historical text.
I define my own religion because I can. I will believe what I want to believe and won’t expect others to have the same beliefs as me. And I won’t go as far as calling what I believe in as God, but I do believe there is something. But of the utmost importance, I don’t feel guilty about my loss of faith in Catholicism because like a political party, I don’t agree with much of what they stand for.
Is it part of my culture? Yes. Maybe not so much as in the Philippines, but my entire extended family, most of which are Polish, are VERY Roman Catholic.
My mom has finally accepted that I don’t partake in her religion anymore and no longer tries to persuade me to go to Xmas mas with her. It has taken a long time. A really long time.
Justin (Oats)´s last blog ..Person of Wal-Mart
[Reply]
Floreta
Twitter: solitarypanda
Reply:
March 13th, 2010 at 2:47 am
Thank you for sharing this!
I remember a thread on 20sb about what people’s beliefs/religions all were and seeing a LOT of former Catholics turned atheist/agnostic etc. It’s hard for me to define my beliefs. I’m much like you. I believe in science, but, I think science and spirituality (not religion) can coexist. I’m stuck between calling myself an “Agnostic” or a theist because even though I’ll say this “something” is “God” (I think mainly to fit most people’s concepts a bit better), I still feel like I need that proof, and that’s is more intellectually honest to be agnostic because you can neither prove OR disprove God.
Anyway, I’m glad you don’t experience the guilt!
[Reply]
“And when I think of that–that I am living life exactly the way I’m meant to, and trusting my heart and intuition–the guilt goes away. ”
Beautiful
Martin´s last blog ..Salamander Orgies, Waterfalls, and Powerful Insight into the Womenfolk
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