THE SOLITARY PANDA

The Ways We Are: Andrena

Andrena is the first person that I ever guest blogged for at her blog, Theories of Anything I’m happy to host her here as she seems to have a very strong work ethic and passion for people. She is one of the first blogs that I started reading. Soulful and poetic.

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Competition is the norm in the Caribbean. You have to always struggle and fight to be the best or at least in the Top20. Anything else and you wouldn’t be recognised. Recognition is supposed to be a good thing. With that comes scholarships and places in the top schools, work places and even social standing. Social standing is a must in a small island community of less that 120,000. That’s the culture I grew up in. Mathematics and the sciences were the choices of the intelligent while the Arts – well they were just arts reduced to being only hobbies.

My problem was that I was good at everything. I grew up wanting to be an Artist. My favourite artist, according to the English essay I wrote for my common entrance exam, was Jughead. You guys remember Jughead – Archie’s sidekick in the comics. He was never really understood by his peers and in most cases he was the odd one out, even through he moved with the cool Archie. Jughead was me. I wanted to be an artist, but to be recognised and accepted I chose to concentrate on the subjects that I was curious about, but found difficult. It’s not easy going to the top girls’ high school in the country and being in all the top sect classes. You can get A’s overall in all your subjects, yet still come near bottom of the class. The pressure was intense, but I learnt to work best under it.

I found myself following with the crowd subject wise and wanting the recognition of being “intelligent”. I left high school with high O’ level grades and the award for Top Maths student in my graduating class. That set the pace to do all sciences and maths at A’ levels and then Physics at university. Being with a guy all through university who was always competing with me didn’t help. I put my self-worth in all academic and career achievements because that was something he couldn’t take away from me. Yes, I wasn’t the prettiest and the tallest. I’m actually 5 5 and petite. Breast and hips are nearly non-existent, but at least I got my degrees and career! I dreamt of promotions, dream homes and travelling to exotic places with my 25 days holiday a year. I could manage working full-time and studying to be an Actuary full-time. Socialising? Pah! I socialise at work. Fun! Fun! Exotic lunch and dinner work do’s and fancy summer and Christmas parties! I was living the life of a twenty-something working in the renowned Canary Wharf financial district.
But was I living MY life?

The Universe – God – Life has away of shaking things up. Even through I was working intensely to fulfil the dream of most young women in this millennium of we-can-do-it-the-same-as-any-man, I was still a hippy at heart. I was always searching and applying to do creative short courses. It was during my Actuarial Masters degree that I develop a knack for creative multitasking – writing poetry and daydreaming while taking down notes and listening to the lecture. I was struggling with myself. I couldn’t see my life being a 9-5 type job. I wanted more and I prayed, talked and moaned about wanting more.

Then it happened…
My passport was stolen while starting a new job and I was forced to take a break from working, while I apply for a new passport and residence to live and work in the UK. That was July 2008 and I’m still waiting. In that time, I had to moan the girl that I thought everyone and myself wanted me to be. It has been a struggle. It’s not easy being unemployed in the recession. Every expense has doubled. Plus, when my friends all talk about promotion or making a deposit on a new house or holidays in far out destinations I get slightly jealous. I’m happy for them, but a little part of me feels bad because that was supposed to be my life as well. I feel like a bum because society dictates a woman to either have a career or kids and I have neither.
Have I lost my identity?

It is hard to find perspective, especially when you want to live, but can’t get out of the house because the train ticket is too expensive because my weekly budget is tighter than a g-string on a sumo wrestler or when you can’t find anything to wear because “all” have become worn from the 18 months of non-stop use or not appropriate for the weather or when you want to start a new creative endeavour but lack the cash to pay for the course. It becomes unbearable at times when you believe that the world is passing you by. It’s a daily struggle to be content and patient.

What have I been reduced to?

Is “reduced” the right word? I guess it is all about perspective. If I look on the bright side, I have done so much – starting a blog, volunteering for two great youth charities, writing and taking pictures nearly every day, achieving a youth work certificate come to mind . So many things that I always wanted to do or never thought that I would do. It’s not easy finding a balance, but who would have thought that I would have survived near 18 months without being paid.
My identity is changing internally. I’m learning to look inside and see my growth as a person, and not to compare myself with what I thought was the definition of a successful person. I truly feel deep down that I’ve entered into a new era. It’s not as hard as before to take things one step at a time. I’m getting to the point where outward recognition and achievement is no longer necessary. I don’t need the accolades to feel good about myself. The passed 18 months have been difficult, but it’s as if all these unnecessary layers have been ripped away. I don’t need any fancy wrappings. I am me and I have all that will make me happy. I have health, strength, love and family and thank God many creative outlets and projects. I’m close to being content. I’m a work in progress with no need for any abbreviations in front of my name.

I’m exposed and naked without fear or shame.

My name is Andrena Simmons.

I am a 27 year old who loves life.