The Ways We Are: Kristan
What first drew me to Kristan was a picture of her and her dog! She had a Jack Russell terrier mutt and being that I used to own a Jack Russell, I have a big soft spot for them. She’s captivated me with her writing, and I’ve cheered her on when she entered a writing contest. I was very honored to guest blog for her one day (in which I first publicly announced my big Asia plans!) and so I couldn’t help but to return the favor. I know she has a big passion for writing, the kind of passion that drives you. And so, I wanted to hear her story:
The wordy nerdy halfie chameleon
by Kristan Hoffman
First, I’d like to thank Floreta for inviting me to guest blog for her. I’ve been a fan ever since I saw her old panda logo. Not only is that little guy adorable, but he’s also indicative of how creative, independent, and fearless Floreta is. Seriously? This girl rocks! So it’s an honor to be among the bloggers that she trusts to fill her void.
Second, I didn’t really have a second.
And third, oh yeah, I guess I’ll talk about identity. Since that’s the theme and all.
The chameleon
As a young child, I had a handful of close family friends, none of whom knew each other, all of whom knew a certain version of me. Then there were my school friends. Then there were my Chinese school friends. Because I wanted to be liked by them all, I learned to act a certain way for each of them, and I started to think of myself as a chameleon, constantly changing colors.
The halfie
Speaking of Chinese school… I’m half Chinese! And do you know what’s really weird? Being half of something. Because then the other half is something else. Something different. Sometimes even something incompatible. Fortunately for me, my Asian and Caucasian halves seem to get along okay, but as a whole, I still have issues with my ethnic identity.
See, whenever I went visited my mom’s side of the family in Taiwan, I couldn’t speak to them because I didn’t really know Mandarin. That made me feel inadequate. Not Chinese enough.
But then, when I was with my dad’s side of the family, and I wanted noodles and cucumber cooked in oyster sauce, or some other weird Asian thing, I felt out of place. Not American enough.
I couldn’t win.
The word nerd
At age 4, I wanted to be a ballerina. At age 6, a cowgirl. At age 7, a veterinarian with a dude ranch. Don’t ask.
Then at age 9, I had to write an essay about the most beautiful place I’d ever been. I busted my butt on that essay, and I got an A+. Ever since then, I’ve wanted to be a writer.
The result
I often worried about these 3 aspects of my identity. People always talked about “staying true to yourself,” but I was constantly changing to please those around me. Wasn’t that bad? And I was the only brown-headed kid in Chinese school, where I took a special class with kids half my age. Wasn’t that weird? And writers, well, they don’t make any money. They live in cardboard boxes and mooch off their friends. Isn’t that pathetic?
I told myself that as I got older I would outgrow these parts of myself. Eventually I would learn that I didn’t have to be a chameleon. Eventually I would perfect the art of being Asian as well as the art of being American, and those would just become two more colors that my skin could switch to. Eventually I would stop wanting to be a writer and do something that you could actually make a career out of. Like programming. I liked programming a lot.
But that’s not what happened. Instead, as I got older, I outgrew my worries, and I grew into my own skin. I realized that a chameleon can change the color of his skin, but he cannot change his spiny lizard body or his big googly eyes. I realized that being half of two things meant I got the best of both worlds. I learned that writing was really the only I loved enough to do for the rest of my life.
So here I am today, a wordy nerdy halfie chameleon. It’s a hard thing to be, but it’s me. And I love it.
What I want to know is, who are you? When did you realize it? And more importantly, when did you embrace it?
This post is part of a series on personal development, career and identity. It’s not about who you want to be when you grow up, but being who you ARE. The key is to find out your true calling and passions and then figuring out how to live it. We all have stories to share, and I want to hear yours. If you’d like to guest blog for the Panda, please submit to floreta@solitarypanda.com.
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14 Responses to “The Ways We Are: Kristan”
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Twitter: nashelista
says:
I’m still not sure who I am but I’m guessing not many people do, either. No rush right now.
I never really thought much about people with multi-ethnic backgrounds as having “issues”, since almost every other person in my country is half-something, half-something else and no one seemed to have identity worries. Embracing your different sides is the only way to go.
nashe´s last blog ..Here, I rant a little about Spanish class
[Reply]
Kristan
Twitter: kristanhoffman
Reply:
February 5th, 2010 at 6:32 am
Most of the mixed race people I’ve met have dealt with identity issues at some point, though they may not all be as affected as I am. I think you’re right, though: as it becomes more common, as we lose these clear cut lines between ethnicities, people will stop even thinking about it because we’ll all be one giant jumbled genetic mess. (In a good way!)
Kristan´s last blog ..Whas happenin’
[Reply]
Twitter: chaseandre
says:
love the write up : )
I spent a year in Taiwan! Sometimes, since, I feel half Taiwanese. Or something. I look Western, sure, but all too often I don’t feel I fit in to any one culture.
I guess that’s where the Chameleon bit comes in. Adaptation. It’s a gift.
Thanks for sharing!
Floreta’s got some good friends.
Chase´s last blog ..The time I met the man who inspired my naming, and laughed a lot.
[Reply]
Kristan
Twitter: kristanhoffman
Reply:
February 5th, 2010 at 6:34 am
How cool! You probably speak more Chinese than I do then, lol.
I know how you feel, though. I spent a total of about 3 months in Spain, and I sort of feel part Spanish now.
It’s amazing and wonderful how we can absorb other cultures we weren’t born to.
Kristan´s last blog ..Whas happenin’
[Reply]
floreta
Twitter: solitarypanda
Reply:
February 6th, 2010 at 3:38 pm
i’m finding the same thing! i find i have a piece of India with me that I can’t ever ‘leave’ now. It is a part of me, and I like that.
floreta´s last blog ..The Ways We Are: Kristan
[Reply]
I am still working on accepting who I really am. I thought that I had to be this hard core, intense, analytical, over-educated, tsunami of a business woman. And even though I am good at that role. It makes me tired. I am learning to accept that I like to read and write and teach and create. And that that is enough.
Rebecca @ Diary of a Virgin Novelist´s last blog ..What writing is like
[Reply]
Kristan
Twitter: kristanhoffman
Reply:
February 5th, 2010 at 10:16 am
Hear hear! You know, I didn’t go into this in the post, but I too thought I had to be some crazy successful career woman, ON TOP of my dreams of being a writer. For a year I even worked a “real job” that I loved and was good at. But I had to let it go in order to make time (and more importantly, energy) for my real passion. That was one of the hardest things I ever did, but it was also one of the best.
Kristan´s last blog ..The wordy nerdy halfie chameleon
[Reply]
[…] Today I’m over at The Solitary Panda, guest blogging for the lovely and brave Floreta while she’s in India. The theme is identity. Can you guess what I consider mine to be? […]
Twitter: toriemichelle
says:
I love the concept of this series. Can’t wait to read through the rest of this blog. | Great g.p., Kristan!
I’m not mixed, but I’ve dealt with people thinking that I had some kind of split identity. Apparently, I was too “intelligent, eloquent, and quirky” for a black girl in the type of area I grew up in, so I was basically deemed an ‘Oreo.’ I never had any questions or qualms about who I was in terms of cultural or racial background; that would have been silly. And I never made a choice to be a chameleon (or a ‘code-switcher’) either.
(I wrote a little bit more in response but didn’t want to take up too much space here in the comments: http://tinyurl.com/notesonme)
Torie Michelle´s last blog ..Makeunder My Life (2)
[Reply]
Kristan
Twitter: kristanhoffman
Reply:
February 5th, 2010 at 6:05 pm
Torie, great response! (I just read the whole thing over at your blog.) My fave line:
“I’ve always thought people were supposed to have multifaceted personalities and be able to blend in or stand out when they wanted without losing any bit of who they are.”
I couldn’t agree more!
Kristan´s last blog ..The wordy nerdy halfie chameleon
[Reply]
Hey Kristan, great guest post! Wondering if there’s a short story there?
[Reply]
Kristan
Twitter: kristanhoffman
Reply:
February 6th, 2010 at 6:43 am
Haha, good question. You might be on to something…
Kristan´s last blog ..The wordy nerdy halfie chameleon
[Reply]
Twitter: rikaokd
says:
I still don’t know who I am and what kind of person I want to become in the future (…except rich haha!).
Nice post, Kristan
rika´s last blog ..Flowery February
[Reply]
Kristan
Twitter: kristanhoffman
Reply:
February 7th, 2010 at 6:19 am
LOL rika! Thanks, though. I’m sure you will figure it out.
Kristan´s last blog ..The wordy nerdy halfie chameleon
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