Some of my favoritebloggers have “life lists” that they share. Honestly, I never even gave my bucket list a thought, even after the movie came out. The idea that doing fantastic things before you keel over and die seems like a mostly egoic endeavor to me. I mean, do I really want to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro, or run a marathon, or is it just because I want to cross it off some list and give myself a proverbial pat on the back; as if that makes me that much more accomplished? What’s the purpose anyway? Live life to the fullest or some crap like that? And why is “living life to the fullest” often associated with physical feats?
The bucket list has been an inner conflict with me; between ego and egolessness and being remarkable versus being ordinary. Lately, I’ve found myself thinking a lot about it, especially as I am about to embark on a major life changing adventure to Asia; volunteering in India and moving abroad to the Philippines (countdown: three days).
Ok, so I realize bucket lists are by nature, a bit selfish and self-centered, but so what? Lately, I’m a firm believer in taking care of the self (selfishly), as a whole, before you can give your whole self (selflessly) to a life partner or philanthropic endeavor. And what better way to accomplish this than the bucket list?
My bucket list hasn’t ever materialized in actual writing, but it’s certainly been floating around in the back of my head. Frankly, I’m not sure that I’m ready to write my complete bucket list, but I’m sure it will be ever changing and ever evolving. This year, I will embrace my bucket list. And start my “rough draft”.
The immediate bucket list for Asia 2010
(Ideas I want to start implementing this year)
Learn Filipino Martial Arts: Eskrima (this is a weapons sport using sticks and knives)
Go rock climbing – I’ve only done it once, at a rock climbing gym
Learn how to swim
Learn how to cook – Filipino cuisine!
Start my own business – Pursue travel writing, web design and photography! (AKA: Take the Philippine tourism industry by storm)
Perform in an orchestra again – Not since December 2006!
Be in a string quartet
No, the bucket list does not have to be purely physical. Living life to the fullest does not have to mean conquering nature, but it’s safe to say that I have a bit of an adventurous streak in me.
I’ve got a penchant for you and a penchant for sake. So sake to me. I mean, lets be honest here. When I’m feeling kinda tipsy, I like to talk about sex, do you concur? When do I NOT like talking about sex, though, really? Other than spirituality, the two are my favorite topics. Scrumptious. Like you. Like me. How’s that apple tasting? Juicy, I hope.
Oh, about that sex thing. I would, with you. Lets be honest. I’m attracted to you. You’re the hottest thing since sliced bread. I want to butter you up and then taste you. Is that chheesy? is that bad? Sorry for the drunken heart-t0heart. I don’twant to cheapen our conversation. But it’s truth. The things I would do to you. We’ll wrestle on the white beach sand and get dirty. so dirty. Dirty enough to take off all our clothes and go skinny dipping. /oops, did I say that out loud? Well, I’ve got to cross that off my bucket list someday, somehow. I’m still a virgin, in that regard. Will you help devirginize me? Sorry. I’m not so eloquent with my sake. Uno mas!
I’d bite in to your flesh. Gently. Lick chocolate fondue all the way down to your naughty bits. Hot and tasty. Make your raspberry swirl. Yes, I stole that from Tori. Have you ever seen her play piano with her hands? Two-timing synths in a manage-a-tois with her in the middle? Looking all orgasmic? The things she can do with her hands… And tongue. The way she cocks her head against the microphone. Breathing into it. So close she could touch it. Open her mouth and tease. Liptstick red and ready for that palpable touch. Hot damn. Tori. Us bisexuals. We know how to party. I’d like to be HER man. Oh, where was I? Oh yes. You. And me. The whole thing seems terribly romantic. And just my style. No commitments. No promises. No expectations. I’ll trt not to mess it up with you. But I’m a hopeless romantic. You’re just hopeless. That’s Bouncing Souls. Don’t think my 90s pop culture references are just smashing redheads now. Those punk-rock boys make me wet too. Nipple piercings, shaved heads and tattoos. Take me, now. Hit me. And I mean kiss me. Show me I’m alive and breathing. Pull a punch and then pull my knickers down and ravage me. I’ll put up a good fight. Today’s a good day to die, but it’s also a good day to live. Let’s go.
Part of LiLu’s TMI Thursdays. Click for more awesomely bad posts.
I was eight years old when I discovered how “tingly” it felt to run my fingers around my little girl parts. I only ever did it over panties. But it felt good. And I’d rub furiously. Learning friction was fun. It felt like being tickled.
Mom caught me one day, under the blankets. A little mound of fast hands. She told me that was bad. And that I shouldn’t do it anymore. She might as well have told me it was the devil. I didn’t know what this was, or what I’d done, but I felt so ashamed. No one told me this was wrong.
Masturbation wasn’t something I learned about again until years later as a teenager. With the wonderful advent of the internet, I could search information that put my health class to shame. Internet forums. Detailed how-tos on blow jobs, masturbation, tips and techniques. Diagrams of the vulva. Learning what the clitoris was.
I had my fair share of seedy internet guy friends. The ones that would show me naked pictures of their fat, erect dicks against rulers. One dick, with a quarter on top to show the relationship of girth. If the quarter were a person, and his dick were a bed, it’d be a king sized one. That’s for sure. But, I didn’t care about braggy pictures. Not as a virgin, probably, not even now. As much as I like men who are “as big as my wrists”, guys who get all high and mighty about their big dicks really turn me off. Which is to say probably every guy “as big as my wrists”. If only dicks weren’t attached to egos, but that doesn’t stop me from liking them.
I had a Mormon friend who got asked once if she’d ever looked at her pussy. I mean really looked at it, in a mirror. Studied it. Enjoyed it. Some guy suggested she should, on the internet. Weird things can happen on the internet, and she was horrified. She’d never do such a thing!
Really, looking at your own pussy is a great learning process to self-exploration. And so, if she wouldn’t do it, I would! I didn’t tell her that, but I just grabbed a hand-held mirror one day and looked. That whole debacle inspired me, I guess. I turned the mirror round and round. Switching from normal view to magnified view and back again. I’d look at myself spread out on the floor, with a full length closet mirror in my parent’s room. Back against their bed, gazing, touching, feeling. I’d stare closely at my clit, rub it furiously then stare closely at it again. I read that they were supposed to enlarge after stimulation, and I wanted to see it happen.
Sixteen was when I learned about masturbation. When it clicked that this was the name for something I had discovered at age eight. When I’d read about orgasms and what they were and what they felt like. How you could tell when you were having one. These experiments were done home alone, of course. I think being sixteen was kind of a late bloomer, but I’m sure I made up for it.
The bathtub technique intrigued me. Everything I learned from Google. Because who knew you could orgasm from water pressure? Hot tubs. Showerheads. Unfortunately, they were not available, but the bathtub was. I masturbated every day that year. Sixteen was a good year. A very good year.
Each night, I’d take a shower and then finish off with the faucet running until the hot water got cold. I’d lie against my back, prop my hips up with the strength of my arms to hold it; like some crazy yoga move. I’d practice the art of orgasm. Moving myself in minor adjustments to hit the spot just right. Undulating my hips up and down until the feeling seemed unbearable and I’d invert my back to an arch with my head still against the mat; like a sardine version of the yoga fish posture. I learned about multiples in that bathtub.
Only thing was, as soon as I started this bathtub ritual, I began to get a rash on my back. Surely, it was no coincidence. The rash got so bad that my skin would start to flake and peel off. Little rash scabs. It covered my entire back. That didn’t stop me from my ritual, but eventually my parents noticed and I had to get it fixed. I never told them why the rash started. How do you approach a conversation like that? I would scrub and scrub and scrub the bathtub clean with soap, and mom’s bathroom cleaner, but still the rash did not stop. I felt so ashamed. Maybe I was being punished all over again, just like that night at age eight.
Eventually, the rash got better, and I weaned myself off of the bathtub; my favorite vice. I masturbated every night before I went to sleep. To help me sleep. The very first vibrator I used was an electric squiggly pen from my childhood days. I don’t masturbate daily now, but I do it a healthy amount. To this day, my back still has uneven skin tone and blotchy spots; barely noticeable now, but enough for me to nitpick. As embarrassing as it is, I have blotchy skin because of my sixteen year-old bath rubs.
10 days left in the US of A and I will be spending the rest of 2010 in Asia. The countdown continues…
January 16th, a flight to India. Traveling New Delhi. The Rajasthan. Taj Mahal. Volunteering at an orphanage.
February 6th, a flight to Cebu, Philippines. Living with family. Freelance writing, blogging and social media. Diving head first into location independence and lifestyle design. No real plan. No ticket back to the states. No money set aside, either. The sky’s the limit.
10 Days to make it count. Yesterday, I met Sean. Last weekend, I went to my first Sake tasting. I’d like to attend a Buddhist church before I leave. Oh, and I’ve already seen the beautiful Oregon coast.
Here’s to making my last 10 days in Oregon count.
What would you do if you had 10 days left in the USA?
As for me, all I know is that I know nothing. – Socrates
I don’t claim to have it all figured out, you know. Not a Goddamn thing. The way people are. The way love is. Communication break downs. That’s all I know. I know that the sun rises and sets and that the moon shines its moon-sun reflection on cold, wintery nights. I know that when my parents hem and haw and hover over computer screens like spacecrafts, under low voices and hushed tones while dad indulges in online affairs and mom tries to control him, that my stomach crawls on the inside and I have a harder time loving. I’m an alien here, and I want to fly away.
Once, I think I walked in on my mom masturbating; just a quick glimpse of fingers underneath silk nightgown, nothing graphic, but enough to put a scowl on my face and walk off, trying to shake the image away.
I’m a walking contradiction on most days. A cynical romantic. A slutty prude. An Agnostic that prays to God for hope. The conflicts in my life are minimal; all in my head. But they are enough to show me my mortality. No more enlightened than Buddha or Christ. I am only human after all.
So, when the topic of love comes along, I just want to hide in the recesses of my own cocoon. And whisper, I’m not ready, I’m not ready, I’m not ready. Entanglements of the heart by my track record leave me codependent, and hovering like spacecrafts over computer screens. Like mother like daughter, they say. The similarities sicken me. I don’t want that. I don’t want this. I’m not ready.
The way an ex lover and I said goodbye was on my hands and knees and doggy style. Backdoor. I screamed loud. The loudest I’ve ever screamed. Top of my lungs, back of my throat, guttural screams. Not because it felt so good, but because it didn’t feel like anything at all, except maybe hurt. Void of emotion. I screamed to make me feel; to make the fake seem real. Communication break downs. That’s all I know.
Despite it all, I still have Hope. Hope that I won’t end up with someone like dad, who has a tranny fetish and a penchant for porn, online relationships, escorts. Hope that there’s something better for this cynic who freezes at the thought of marriage, because why cage a freebird, but wants a life partner just like the best of them? Hope for something healthy.
In twenty-ten, I will love myself, continuing on the barrel of self improvement that was 2009. If 2009 was sworn celibacy then twenty-ten will be openness for opportunities and new experiences; a meditation on impermanence, of the sexy kind. I will unravel spirituality through sexuality by cherishing those magic moments and letting go of attachments. Like me on all fours, screaming at the top of my lungs. Letting go. One big exhale. I will unravel layers of love.
No, I don’t like casual, but I am determined to find that love doesn’t have to come in boxes; in things called “relationships” and “commitment” and “romance”. Maybe I am too broken. I don’t know. But it’s all I can handle for now and I want to learn about love. The healthy kind. Not the codependence. Not the meaningless sex, but somewhere in the middle. I’m not sure what that looks like, how far my boundaries can go. Is it merely friendship? Friends with benefits? I don’t know. Is it blow jobs and practicing deep throat and strap-ons? Is it wrestling and choke holds and martial art moves? 2am sex after an amazing day learning how to swim, hiking to hot springs, and sharing a banana leaf umbrella under tropical storms? Or maybe just a good ear, belly laughs, and mango ice cream? I don’t know.
And so I write. Write my fantasies. Write my life. Write somewhere in the middle.
I’m willing to find out. Live my conflict. Like a bohemian, changing and bending. Never set in one way. It’s all I know. That I don’t know.
JR from Not So Literal: What is your educational background?
I have a BS in Graphic Design from the Art Institute of Portland. I’ve worked as a designer for a souvenir company and ran a print shop.
Lorien from Wayfaring Stranger: What made you travel? How long have you been blogging?
I’ve been blogging since before blogging was invented. Before livejournal! I taught myself html code when I was 13 and got into the personal webpage scene. I’d design and build pages that were hosted on friend’s domains and would update and link manually. Yeah, I kicked it old school. As far as travel goes, the short answer is that I broke off from a 5 year, confining relationship, realized AFTER the fact that I’m not the type to settle down, buy a house and a dog and wanted a change of scenery. I hated that I was a real emotional mess with no life of my own so I set to change that in a big way. Plus, I’ve always had wanderlust. Talking about moving to another country has always excited me.
Why do you like pandas so much!?!
Pandas are cute! And Asian-y. I really feel its a good symbol for myself. I’m also 1/8 Chinese. When I was a kid, one of my favorite children’s books I had was about a panda and I really connected to that. I made up the name when I was still in said relationship above. I guess I’ve always felt solitary but also lonely and I needed an outlet to vent.
Nino from My Kafkaesque Life: What will happen to your old blogger blog?
I’ll keep it up but I won’t keep posting separate content. It will be a ghost blog.
Are you going to make any vlogs any time soon?
I’m always open to reader suggestions so If you want more vlogs, I’ll try to deliver! I can come up with a “welcome” video and maybe make vlogs more of a regular thing, what do you think!??
Brittney from La Midge: If you were to relate yourself to any fictional character (movie/book/etc), who is most like you? Do you find it flattering or not?
This might sound really retarded but I’m going to pull out the big guns and say Howard Roark from Ayn Rand’s The Fountainhead. I never read the book the whole way through, and I’m not sure about Rand’s objectivist cult but I did relate to the main character well. I remember he was all about individualism, outside-the-box thinking and rejecting status quo and I think I can be lumped into that collective mindset. I’ve always felt like I have to conquer life; me against the world or something. Of course, I think he was probably arrogant and egoic too so that’s not very flattering.
If you could be any fictional character, who would you be?
Or I could just be Belle. The bookworm beauty who grows to love a Beast. NOT to be confused by Bella. I really hate Twilight.
Kristan Hoffman: Why the move to a new domain? What are you most looking forward to in your upcoming year of adventures (India and/or the Philippines)? What are you most afraid of (about your upcoming year of adventures)?
I felt like having my own domain would be a great new start to symbolize my upcoming new journey. It was great to start fresh again. I’m honestly looking forward to having lesbian sex the most, then blogging about it. I know it will happen because I’m determined. Also, I’m just looking forward to meeting new people, trying new things (including lesbian sex). I’m most afraid about the financial logistics, and honestly, if there’s going to be some natural disaster while I’m there. The climate is whacky now.
What writers/bloggers do you most admire and why?
I’ve lately been secretly admiring Hannah Miet for her superb writing. Like, get me a publisher and a book deal kind of writing. I also like More is Better because she’s so fun and fresh. And adventurous. And she started Hands In, which is completely awesome.
Martin from This Rugged Life: Will you be starting up your martial arts training again in 2010?
I really want to! One of my goals is to try out Eskrima, a Filipino martial arts. I researched and there’s even a headquarters school of the Doce Pares (12 Pairs) style close to where I’ll be staying. I also want to try to get into rock climbing!
Do the other people in your erotica posts know that they are being immortalized in blog form? If so, any interesting comments from them after reading of their exploits?
Interesting question! I have actually only written one true to life story thus far, which actually inspired me to pursue this more… The rest was either “loosely based” or completely fantasy driven. So far, I’ve had no complaints! He enjoyed reading my perspective and said he was savoring some parts and needed a few minutes to calm down! I <3 euphemisms!
The Savvy Soybean: What’s your favorite food?
The Filipino in me is gonna say Filipino food. But I also LOVE sushi!!
Feverdog: What are the top 5 things that make you happy?
creativity, hope, ideas, yoga, oh and tantric sex.
Who would play you in a film about your life?
That’s tough. I’ll just go with a young Tia Carrere like from Wayne’s World
Which of your 5 senses would you most hate to lose?
Ah! It’s tough between hearing and seeing.. But probably sight.
Are you addicted to anything?
How about blogging.
If all the people in the world camped out in your back garden would you write and tell the king or would you grab a tent and join ‘em?
Join the party! Is this a metaphor?
Toothfairy Notes: Who was your childhood hero and who’s your hero now?
This sounds retarded but probably Stephanie Tanner from Full House was my childhood hero. Of course I probably had a crush on her. My hero now would be Anais Nin, Frida Kahlo, the Dalai Lama.
Deeptesh Poetry: What makes Floreta cry?
Depending on the mood I’m in, the littlest things can make me cry. Other people’s pain. The news. But usually I’m too selfish and cry about things going on with me. It’s been awhile though.
Who’s ur favorite blogger poet n favorite blogger essayist/story writer?
Why you of course! And probably Zorlone too.
OmegaRadium: If the end of the world will truly be in 2012, where would you want to be as a person (married, single, employed, etc); physically (US, Japan, etc); and spiritually?
I’d like to have my own business or work for myself, and be some sort of artist/activist, and yeah, Japan sounds nice! Probably at least be seeing someone so I can shag all day before the world ends. I don’t really care about having a rock on my finger, but I’m at least open to it. Spirituality really comes together with sex for me, at least with the right person. I guess I’d just like to be content, like I am now.
Sorry for the incredibly long post and brownie points if you got through all that! I’ll be posting some FAQs with other questions for my bio section. Stay tuned.
I need you to ask questions! Anything you’d like to know about me or this blog. I’ll try to answer them on my next post and gather the best in a collaborative FAQ that will be part of “the panda” (about me) section.
What’s in it for you, might you ask? I will personally link/credit each person who asks a question! Think of it as an interactive interview. Anything, and everything! I’ll try to answer as best as I can.
I feel as if I am an open book, just writing itself. I’ve only just begun my new year, new blog, and new journey. I haven’t even begun to settle in my new virtual home and I feel as If I need to better introduce myself to all of you. An icebreaker and orientation, if you will. Help me write the book. Help me complete the pages as I travel from place to place and orate my journey on my stage. Yeah, I tried to sound poetic, but all I came up with was rubbish. This Björk video says it all much better than I can.
For many of us bloggers, life can often be seen through the lens of blogging about it. How many times have you thought about going to an event, party, date, etc. with the distinct thought that it could become a great blog piece? Through my exhibitionist flair, I’ve done more than just think about it. I give great blog. The point is, as fragmented as it sounds, this type of blog lens has actually helped me to try new things and be more open to new experiences. That little bloggy writing motivation actually gets me through a lot.
This question–with my blog lens in place–got me thinking that this would be the most appropriate blog topic for my first post on my new “big girl” domain.
Look Ma! My own .com!
For those who don’t know (because you can’t assume that everyone knows you), hi, my name is Floreta and I used to blog at http://floretacui.blogspot.com. I have made the switch not only to my own host server, but from Blogger to WordPress. @ninoart, from My Kafkaesque Life, reminded me that 2010 is not only a New Year, it’s a new decade! This did two things. 1) Make me feel old and 2) Give me a rush of how incredibly charged 2010 and onward will be! So without further adieu:
My 2010 Blogging Goals
Write more erotica – After my recent encounter, and yes, blogging about it, I have gotten a lot of positive feedback about my shift towards wanting to explore erotic writings more consistently. I even got Lilu’s approval saying (quote):
I saw on your 20SB that you’re considering a more permanent dive into erotic writing… gotta say, I think you’re pretty damn good at it, and that it’s a great idea.
If I get the TMI queen’s approval, then I must oblige. Writing erotica is exhilarating and you will help me see to it that I follow my own word!
Have more focus – Essentially, The Solitary Panda is the same blog as my blogspot blog but I want to shift the focus in a more defined way, and that’s why I want to start fresh. Sure, this still is, first and foremost, a “personal blog”, but I’d like to explore more aspects of travel–with my upcoming journey–and culture. I’d like to have more consistent features almost as if I were writing my own magazine column. We’ll see how well that goes, but “travel, culture, art & erotica” is a good start by me.
Build my community – I have a fairly big following from blogspot and I’m a little apprehensive as to how well the transition goes. Will I lose followers? Will you subscribe to my new feed? I’d like to build up my community via comments and engage people through social media more. Not in that I-want-to-be-popular sort of way. But in a genuine, this-is-what-blogging-is-about-and-I-want-you-to-be-a-part-of-that-with-me sort of way! I appreciate you. Thank you!
Become professional – I blog professionally for companies but I’d like to see my personal blog become a somewhat professional hub for myself. Whether that be garnering a business venture via this blog or garnering exposure for a business venture via this blog, I’m not sure which. This is a bit of a conundrum for me because 1) Hello erotica! What will people think? But Colin, from Exile Lifestyle told me I should “own my sensuality”. Meaning, why not embrace my sensual writing, because that’s part of who I am? And, that gives me an “edge”, a unique way to “stand out”. So, if this somehow backfires on me as I try to merge my professional identity with my blog identity, I have Colin to blame it for (joking, I joke)! 2) Floreta is a blog identity. It’s like Perez Hilton but not as popular. I’ve chosen to keep Floreta because the name itself is a great personal brand! it’s more unique than, say, “Janet”, which is shrouded under Janet Jackson (you know, because I’m nasty; and that just gets old!). But nevertheless, navigating my personal brand with a pen name gives me a bit of an identity crisis!
I am truly excited for 2010 and my new blog kick-off; bringing in the new year with a bang! Come celebrate with me! Stick around. Have some drinks. Tell all your friends! Join my party!
So, what are your 2010 blog goals? What are your 2010 goals? Happy New Year, and remember, BLOG ON!
