I Know That I Don’t Know
As for me, all I know is that I know nothing. – Socrates
I don’t claim to have it all figured out, you know. Not a Goddamn thing. The way people are. The way love is. Communication break downs. That’s all I know. I know that the sun rises and sets and that the moon shines its moon-sun reflection on cold, wintery nights. I know that when my parents hem and haw and hover over computer screens like spacecrafts, under low voices and hushed tones while dad indulges in online affairs and mom tries to control him, that my stomach crawls on the inside and I have a harder time loving. I’m an alien here, and I want to fly away.
Once, I think I walked in on my mom masturbating; just a quick glimpse of fingers underneath silk nightgown, nothing graphic, but enough to put a scowl on my face and walk off, trying to shake the image away.
I’m a walking contradiction on most days. A cynical romantic. A slutty prude. An Agnostic that prays to God for hope. The conflicts in my life are minimal; all in my head. But they are enough to show me my mortality. No more enlightened than Buddha or Christ. I am only human after all.
So, when the topic of love comes along, I just want to hide in the recesses of my own cocoon. And whisper, I’m not ready, I’m not ready, I’m not ready. Entanglements of the heart by my track record leave me codependent, and hovering like spacecrafts over computer screens. Like mother like daughter, they say. The similarities sicken me. I don’t want that. I don’t want this. I’m not ready.
The way an ex lover and I said goodbye was on my hands and knees and doggy style. Backdoor. I screamed loud. The loudest I’ve ever screamed. Top of my lungs, back of my throat, guttural screams. Not because it felt so good, but because it didn’t feel like anything at all, except maybe hurt. Void of emotion. I screamed to make me feel; to make the fake seem real. Communication break downs. That’s all I know.
Despite it all, I still have Hope. Hope that I won’t end up with someone like dad, who has a tranny fetish and a penchant for porn, online relationships, escorts. Hope that there’s something better for this cynic who freezes at the thought of marriage, because why cage a freebird, but wants a life partner just like the best of them? Hope for something healthy.
In twenty-ten, I will love myself, continuing on the barrel of self improvement that was 2009. If 2009 was sworn celibacy then twenty-ten will be openness for opportunities and new experiences; a meditation on impermanence, of the sexy kind. I will unravel spirituality through sexuality by cherishing those magic moments and letting go of attachments. Like me on all fours, screaming at the top of my lungs. Letting go. One big exhale. I will unravel layers of love.
No, I don’t like casual, but I am determined to find that love doesn’t have to come in boxes; in things called “relationships” and “commitment” and “romance”. Maybe I am too broken. I don’t know. But it’s all I can handle for now and I want to learn about love. The healthy kind. Not the codependence. Not the meaningless sex, but somewhere in the middle. I’m not sure what that looks like, how far my boundaries can go. Is it merely friendship? Friends with benefits? I don’t know. Is it blow jobs and practicing deep throat and strap-ons? Is it wrestling and choke holds and martial art moves? 2am sex after an amazing day learning how to swim, hiking to hot springs, and sharing a banana leaf umbrella under tropical storms? Or maybe just a good ear, belly laughs, and mango ice cream? I don’t know.
And so I write. Write my fantasies. Write my life. Write somewhere in the middle.
I’m willing to find out. Live my conflict. Like a bohemian, changing and bending. Never set in one way. It’s all I know. That I don’t know.
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21 Responses to “I Know That I Don’t Know”
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This post was mentioned on Twitter by solitarypanda: I Know That I Don’t Know http://is.gd/5N2hp...
You took the words out of my mouth. I feel the exact same way about love and my experiences with it. I wish I could express it as well as you do.
Wow, that was one hell of a post, Floreta! Here's to a great 2010 for you
It's always hard to find a balance, to find yourself. From staying in bad relationships for too long, to shacking up with whomever comes along, it's so easy to latch on to someone else and forget yourself. If you don't love you, you can't love someone else. It's a cliche, but to be able to have a healthy relationship is to love yourself first.
it's so cheesy, but so true. i'm definitely not looking for shacking up with whoever comes along, but i don't want to be completely closed off to 'new experiences' either. balance..
Wow. Martin is right, that's one hell of a post. Create a relationship with yourself, and be open to others…and always always always, take care of you first. Sounds like you're ready for 2010 to bring it…
“In twenty-ten, I will love myself. … l will unravel layers of love.”
Love it. Love you!
I think the experiences of our parents definitely shape and affect how we view love, relationships, and everything related to that.
I think loving yourself in 2010 is a great resolution. This will be the year to move forward, to grow, to find yourself. There's something magical about 2010 that I haven't put my finger on it yet.
Wow what a read! I don't know you but I admire you for writing something so honest.
I hope 2010 is a great year for you, and good luck with your goal for the year… certainly a good one!
Exceptional, two thumbs up. I even 'liked' it on Google Reader!
And so we write
What must that be like?
Of course, I'm stuck in the phase of meaningless sex. I move too much. I'm too ambitious. I have to many things going on in my life and where does that leave me? The ones that are too romantic I run away from because I CAN'T give them a commitment. I can't. I'm never around long enough and the romantics never want to take it slow. The meaningless sex is great, but I always start to care eventually. It sucks.
thanks for stopping by and your comment!
2009 was about creating a relationship with myself..
2010 will be adding 'be open to others' in a bigger way. I'm ready to meet new people. Communicate. Make friends. It feels good! not in that sexually charged way, but.. i'm not going to close myself off to that like I did last year. Even if my time is “temporary” (a year).
Yes, it has definitely shaped me. But at the same time, I don't want to think of love as a stain!
I'm not sure how I can best sum up my 2010 goals/”resolution”. Loving myself is still definitely a goal that I've carried on from 2009… But not being codependent, having healthy relationships.. definitely part of it all.
There IS something magical about 2010. I feel it. BUT, is it just me, or I feel like there is something about it *collectively* for the human experience that is magical about it. Haha, does that sound cheesy? I just think it seems like a good year for a lot of people.
aw yay! Thanks, Sebby
I'm not even sure what the purpose of the like feature is
Is that what people who you 'share' google reader with get to see too?
it kinda sucks that we have to sort of compartmentalize our lives in that way. I feel ambitious too and think of every landing pad as 'temporary' but does that mean I can't find someone or have an actual commitment? True, at this point of my life (emotionally), I don't feel like I CAN commit. I just can't. And it wouldn't be fair to anyone at all. I don't think I'm looking for a romantic though. Ah, can't I just find a traveling partner so we can rule the world together? haha. That's MY brand of romance
Hi! Thanks for stopping by. I'm interested to see how your new blog progresses! Cheers for your 2010. Don't be a stranger
What an awesome post, I have similar feelings about love, needing more then casual but too scared to put a ring around a finger. Why is there no inbetween?
Yes, that's precisely where I'm at. Even scared to define things, and to commit! I'm sure I'll get over it eventually. I'm sure there's an in between.. but it's hard. Pretty much feels like there isn't.
Thanks for your comment.
Very nice writing. Open, clear, intimate and honest.
Thanks for reading and commenting!
umm… I am not