THE SOLITARY PANDA

The Ways We Are: Emily

Emily has a really inspiring story and I’m glad that she can share it here with you all. She is one of those people you can genuinely say turned her life around and is living proof that you can take control of your life and change it. She has a loyal following and amazing community on her blog, emily-jane.net.

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First of all, before I begin, I’d love to say how happy I am to be guest posting for the lovely Floreta. We’ve only been blog-friends for a little while, but she’s got such big dreams, and such determination, and I’m incredibly excited to hear all about the amazing adventures she’ll have on her travels throughout the year!

When I read the topic of this little series, I was intrigued. Growing up: “it’s not about who you want to be when you grow up, but being who you ARE.” This immediately hit home because throughout 2009, for the first time in all my 24 years I began to question my sense of identity. Who I was didn’t line up with the person I wanted to be. There was a huge discrepancy – I’d, up until then, lived my life according to what I’d been told while growing up. I was told I had to be a professional teacher, or doctor, or something that involved at least five years of schooling and made a minimum of $50k a year. I remember my parents asking me at age 16 what I wanted to be, and I answered: “in advertising or design.” I had a huge passion for creativity, loved to write, draw and make things, and the idea seemed so exciting to me. But it was shot down, and I felt like if I attempted anything other than my parents’ ideas of what I should be doing, it wasn’t going to be good enough.
So I put my love of reading and writing into English literary studies instead, with the hopes of becoming a teacher, only to drop out in my second year due to lack of funds, relationship drama in my first year of moving out, and my growing fear of being in front of people. I was petrified every time I had to get up in front of my classes and do a presentation, a fear that was only exacerbated by my thoughts of becoming a teacher. I took some “time off” to really figure out what it was I wanted to do – time off which ended up being slightly more permanent, during which time I found employment at a print and design studio, and developed my skills in graphics, and – you got it – advertising. It was a dream – I got to do something new every day, learn new skills without paying thousands of dollars, and really satisfy my craving for creativity. It was a great job, and ultimately led me to where I am now – in charge of advertising, design and marketing for an amazing workplace.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. My early twenties were rife with a series of very unfortunate events. My parents split up, I entered into a couple of long-term, serious relationships only to be dumped by one from halfway around the world, and taken for a fool by another who promised me the world initially, only to progress into pathological lies, drug use, and abuse. By the end of it, I was a wreck – I’d been so naïve and insecure in myself that I’d hung on to the people I thought were the only ones that thought I was worth anything, and when it all went wrong, I was a mess. My self-confidence had been destroyed, and I’d grown to believe I was no good for anybody, doomed to relationship failure, and not worth anything to the world. My social anxiety grew along with my self-doubts, and I ended up living a shell of an existence, too afraid to venture out into the world and plagued by detrimental thoughts.

Then came along my now-fiancé, who I must’ve put through hell in the first few months of our dating; I didn’t believe anyone could actually think I was beautiful, talented, or worth anything – I certainly didn’t believe it myself, and for the longest time I was the product of my past. I believed everything everyone had ever told me about what I “should” be, and what I “couldn’t” do. After a while, it became too much – and I declared, in a fit of tears, that I was done with it. I wanted to take everything I didn’t like about myself or the way I thought, or lived my life – and change it.
I wanted to be happy, and believe I deserved to be so. I wanted to get past my fear of being in front of people for fear of judgment, and become comfortable in the spotlight – maybe I could end up teaching after all, and make some sort of positive contribution to the world. I wanted to feel comfortable in my own skin, and not see a million things I wish were different every time I looked in the mirror. I wanted to be successful on my own terms – learn what I wanted to learn, and find the jobs I wanted to do. They may not be the greatest paying jobs in the world, but I wanted to do what made me happy.
So I set about doing it immediately. Every time I was asked out with friends, I’d go despite my fears of what others might think. In meetings, I voluntarily contributed opinions, without worrying they might sound stupid. I asked my boss if I could start teaching – the thought terrified me, but my request was granted, and with practice, being in front of people is becoming easier. And instead of feeling nobody cares, as a result of the last X amount of years’ worth of negative reinforcement, I started putting time and effort into reforming friendships – and I now feel valued, and respected.

It’s so easy in a world that’s so quick to judge, to succumb to it and believe everything negative we’re ever told. But in my experience, you don’t have to become a product of your past. If your heart leads you in another direction, or if you want to be a stronger, better person – the power lies within you to go ahead and defy everything. Finding my identity took a lot of soul-searching and a lot of pushing myself out of my comfort zone, but with the support of my friends, my boy, and especially bloggers – I think I’m closer than I ever have been to being exactly where I want to be. Your past doesn’t hold any power over your future if you decide not to let it.
Dream big – and then do everything you can to get there. It’ll be the best decision you may ever make.

Find me over at http://emily-jane.net or @fuchsiag – I’d love to hear your stories!

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This post is part of a series on personal development, career and identity. It’s not about who you want to be when you grow up, but being who you ARE. The key is to find out your true calling and passions and then figuring out how to live it. We all have stories to share, and I want to hear yours. If you’d like to guest blog for the Panda, please submit to floreta@solitarypanda.com.